I’ve mentioned Divorce Care before. We met last night, and the topic was “Forgiveness”. (Thank God they skipped over “New Relationships” because after “Single Sexuality” I just don’t think I could take any more awkwardness.) Anyway, I’ve been mulling over the idea of it in regards to my own situation (forgiveness, not sexuality) ever since.

In the video, they were talking about how forgiveness means you’re no longer wishing to “get even” with your ex. You don’t care anymore about making sure they’re punished for the wrongs they’ve committed against you. Hanging onto anger/bitterness just hurts you without really affecting them at all. It was all good points!

My issue is…I don’t really want harm to come to my ex. I haven’t been forcing the issue on things that I know would make his life difficult – getting the stuff out of the house, getting him off my insurance, child support, filing taxes, etc. I’ve tried to stand up for myself/Wade without doing things just to be spiteful. I want him to succeed in life because I want him to be a good father for Wade. His life falling apart won’t help me at all.


I also don’t feel like I’ve forgiven him. I was trying to express this feeling during the discussion last night, and I don’t think I explained myself well. The conversation turned toward how we’ll never know why they said/did the things they have, we just have to accept that it is what it is and move on. I don’t think it’s the why that bothers me, though. People do shitty things to each other because sometimes life is shitty. I did things wrong, he did things wrong, decisions were made, and now we’re divorced.

What is picking away at my brain is…what. The events of last summer caught me so insanely off-guard that I’m not sure my brain will ever stop spinning over it. I know – I know – things that he’s done, and lied about doing. I have heard  first-hand accounts from multiple sources that don’t know each other and have nothing to gain from lying to me about it. I know a Big Thing that he’s never admitted to, and I know a Small Thing that he lied to me about for YEARS and has still not admitted to. When I first learned about each of these things (after he’d already moved out) I messaged him about them and either didn’t get a response (Little Thing) or got lies (Big Thing). And neither have ever been brought up again. Because I have accepted that he won’t be honest with me. Why? I don’t care.


I hate that I’ll never know the truth. The only person that knows exactly what happened in/to our marriage is the one person that won’t be honest with me. So I’m never going to know what else, if anything (I’m sure there are other things), was a lie. And that drives me insane. I’m working on getting over it, because there’s no point in obsessing over something you can’t change. I’ve accepted that our marriage is over, and accepted that I’ll never fully understand why he made that decision… So eventually I’ll be able to accept that I’ll never know what all I need to forgive him for. I just need to know that I’ve forgiven him.

And maybe one day I can.

Today is not that day, though.

They said that forgiveness is a decision first, a feeling second. And that you can work on being willing to be willing to forgive, before you’re actually willing to forgive. And I think I’m there. I want to want to forgive him. Because what’s the point of not?

Maybe one day I won’t flip his shop off as I drive by.


Clearing Out My Brain

So I’m going to Divorce Care, right? It’s been really good up until the last couple sessions. One was basically telling people they sinned if they got divorced unless it fit certain criteria, and some people should never get remarried unless they marry their ex again. That was weird. And the most recent one was “Single Sexuality”. I’m not EVEN going to get into that, okay? It was weird. I didn’t enjoy it, or agree with most of it. And it was awkward af. It felt like I was talking to my mom about sex or something. Ew.

The point is, one of the conversations that kind of came out of it (mainly because I don’t think anyone wanted to talk about sex) was about kids. One of the ladies talked about how she dated a guy that had kids and he put them before her and she didn’t like it. That a spouse should come first and kids come second, because that’s how God intended it…something, something, something.

Anyway. It rubbed me the wrong way. Because my son will always come first over anyone I’m seeing. I expressed as much, and then someone else mentioned how her ex always put his daughters’ wants above hers and her daughters’… I didn’t really say anything else, but I’ve been dwelling on it ever since.

To me, when I say “put my son before anyone I’m seeing” I mean his needs come first. I’m going to be there for him. No matter what. If/when I get in a new relationship or get married, I’m not going to toss him aside and start my life with my “new family”. I’m not going to ignore him while I focus on another person. He will play a major factor in every decision I make, from now until forever.

I’m not saying that I’ll put his wants before my potential future spouse. He’s not going to be the entirety of my focus every minute of every day. I will gladly go on trips without him – as long as I also go on trips with him. I’ll hire a sitter to go out on dates. Once I reach a certain point in a relationship, the other adult will be an authority figure over my son. If there are disagreements I’m not going to always side with my son just because he’s my son.

Does that make sense? I just keep mulling it over in my head…I can’t fully explain what I’m thinking. Like…I just have this sense of priority and I feel like I know where the lines are, but can’t really give specific examples because they haven’t happened yet.  You know?

Anyway, work’s over and I gotta go pick up my little hellion.

Single and Ready to Mingle

I never posted when the divorce was finalized. My bad. I’ve been officially divorced since January 17! It feels good. Weird, but good.

I keep saying it, I know, but I just never imagined that this was going to be my life. I really thought that we were solidly in love and would be forever. We did have a very rough year, year and a half. Things were hard before I got pregnant and they definitely didn’t get easier after Wade was born. I do not in any way blame Wade for anything that has happened. I just think that when life got hard, we didn’t work to fix it. So it got harder. And then when it came down to working hard to fix it, or just giving up, he gave up. I’ll never see it any other way. He wouldn’t even CONSIDER counseling. It was straight up “I’m miserable and will never be happy again unless I get away from all of this.”

I’m sorry… I don’t want to air out all my dirty laundry. I’ve just had a rough week or so and am feeling especially salty about life right now. But honestly…my life is so much better now than it was a year ago. Or even six months ago. Or even ONE month ago. It gets better every day – even on bad days. I really do believe that it would’ve gotten better even if he’d stayed. It would’ve been hard, and we would’ve had to put a lot of work into it, but I don’t think our marriage was impossible to save.

Now? Now I do. If he came back to me and wanted to work things out…there’s no way. Too many trusts have been broken. Too many lies have been told, revealed, and denied. I’m more angry with him now than I was the day he moved out. It’s not a passionate anger, though. I don’t have any desire to be dramatic or petty. The time for that has passed. I just have a deep burn inside my spirit that ebbs and flows depending on the day. lol! Maybe that did sound dramatic, I don’t know.

I hope he’s a good dad. I want him to be there for Wade. I want them to have a strong relationship. I don’t want to do anything to prevent that from happening. It’s going to be hard to navigate the waters as Wade gets older and starts asking questions, but I hope that by then I’ll have the words to explain what’s happened in a more objective manner.

Ugh, anyway! I didn’t mean to go to such a dark place!! I blame the rainy weather. The important thing is that I’m single! My life is starting fresh! There is so much out there to experience…I’m really very excited about it. Look! I went to a movie alone for the first time ever. It was pretty nice. The hardest part was having no one to distract with my witty and brilliant observations.

#singleladybucketlist – I'm going to see #PitchPerfect3 alone tonight! #brandnewday

A post shared by Sarah Bell (@sarahbell0406) on


Just wanted to update anyone who’s keeping track – the divorce decree was officially filed yesterday so now it’s just a matter of a judge signing off! They said it shouldn’t be more than a week, but I’m not going to make ANY plans until I get the copy of the signed official decree. and then i’m gonna parrrty

It’s going to feel so weird to not be married anymore. Even thinking about it now feels weird. I’ve been married for over seven years. SEVEN YEARS! And soon I’m going to be single. I’ve never been a single adult. I mean…I got married when I was 22, but I was fresh out of college and hadn’t actually had to be an adult yet. Now I’m going to be single with a child and a mortgage! I’ll be a divorcée.

It’s still stupid depressing that my life has turned out like this… If you’d told me nine months ago, I wouldn’t have believed you that I’d be sitting here right now typing this post. But the changes in myself and my life that I’ve experienced over the past few months… I don’t know. I have definitely come to the realization that my life is better because of it. There are aspects of my life that are now way harder, and more frustrating, and less than ideal. But so much more has improved. And continues to improve every day!

I just felt this huge weight lift from me when I got that email, y’all. I’m so ready for this drama to be over. So ready. I’ve changed the locks, too. It’s almost like a physical feeling…the ending of a chapter of my life. I don’t know if it’s just because time has dulled the memories, but it feels more powerful than even getting married did. I don’t know…maybe I’m just being weird.

And I can’t wait to stop talking about it so much! Soon “The Divorce” will just be another thing that has happened in my life, it won’t be THE THING THAT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. It won’t take up all my mental/emotional processes. I’ll be free to focus on other things. Better things. New things. I can’t wait!

Now I just need to get this damn heart tattoo removed…

The best laid plans…

The divorce was supposed to be finalized yesterday. It isn’t.

I don’t understand what’s gone sideways. I feel like we did everything we were supposed to do. I just didn’t fully understand what the lawyer was telling me, or they didn’t explain things properly, or something. I thought all we had to do was complete this god-awful online parenting class before Jan 4. We did.

I emailed the paralegal on Tuesday, Jan 2 and got an out of office email from her. She’s going to be on vacation until next week. So I email the lawyer. No response. I call yesterday, Jan 4, and the guy that answers tells me my lawyer is also on vacation until next week. Well, he said he was “out of town” which…I’m assuming is vacation.

I reached out to my ex to see if he’d gotten an acknowledgement from the paralegal that he’d completed the parenting class. He didn’t. So she may have already been on vacation, or just didn’t get to it, or something…it may have never been sent to the judge in the first place. PLUS – the guy I spoke to yesterday said that the judge was “pretty good about getting to them within 2-3 days”. SO EVEN IF IT WAS ON HIS DESK HE STILL MIGHT NOT HAVE SIGNED IT YESTERDAY.

Oh, and several people who have gotten divorced are like “Don’t you have to go to court?” And…I don’t think so? The lawyer hasn’t given any indication that we do? But that apparently doesn’t mean anything! So once they get everything filed and the judge sees it and gets around to signing it…is it done? Or do they then have to schedule a court date?? I DON’T KNOW. Ugh.

It’s just…frustrating. I have had Jan 4 in my head as The Day for months and…now I’ve just got a question mark. At this point it’s just a formality, anyway. We aren’t fighting over anything, we’re already following the parenting plan, etc. The only thing is child support…which will be nice. But honestly, the amount he’s required to pay won’t even cover half of the daycare expense for a month. So it’s whatever.

I don’t have the energy to get upset over this situation anymore. I used up all my emotions last year. Now I just feel like I’m treading water, waiting to tie a neat little bow on the situation so I can finally – finally – move on with my life. It’s dumb that that date keeps getting pushed back, but whatever. The past seven months feel like both an eternity and a moment. So another week or so is nothing. And I’ve got my entire life ahead of me.

I’m just gonna crank up the volume on my “fuck you” playlist and get through this day.