Tick-Tock

Just wanted to update anyone who’s keeping track – the divorce decree was officially filed yesterday so now it’s just a matter of a judge signing off! They said it shouldn’t be more than a week, but I’m not going to make ANY plans until I get the copy of the signed official decree. and then i’m gonna parrrty

It’s going to feel so weird to not be married anymore. Even thinking about it now feels weird. I’ve been married for over seven years. SEVEN YEARS! And soon I’m going to be single. I’ve never been a single adult. I mean…I got married when I was 22, but I was fresh out of college and hadn’t actually had to be an adult yet. Now I’m going to be single with a child and a mortgage! I’ll be a divorcée.

It’s still stupid depressing that my life has turned out like this… If you’d told me nine months ago, I wouldn’t have believed you that I’d be sitting here right now typing this post. But the changes in myself and my life that I’ve experienced over the past few months… I don’t know. I have definitely come to the realization that my life is better because of it. There are aspects of my life that are now way harder, and more frustrating, and less than ideal. But so much more has improved. And continues to improve every day!

I just felt this huge weight lift from me when I got that email, y’all. I’m so ready for this drama to be over. So ready. I’ve changed the locks, too. It’s almost like a physical feeling…the ending of a chapter of my life. I don’t know if it’s just because time has dulled the memories, but it feels more powerful than even getting married did. I don’t know…maybe I’m just being weird.

And I can’t wait to stop talking about it so much! Soon “The Divorce” will just be another thing that has happened in my life, it won’t be THE THING THAT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. It won’t take up all my mental/emotional processes. I’ll be free to focus on other things. Better things. New things. I can’t wait!

Now I just need to get this damn heart tattoo removed…

The best laid plans…

The divorce was supposed to be finalized yesterday. It isn’t.

I don’t understand what’s gone sideways. I feel like we did everything we were supposed to do. I just didn’t fully understand what the lawyer was telling me, or they didn’t explain things properly, or something. I thought all we had to do was complete this god-awful online parenting class before Jan 4. We did.

I emailed the paralegal on Tuesday, Jan 2 and got an out of office email from her. She’s going to be on vacation until next week. So I email the lawyer. No response. I call yesterday, Jan 4, and the guy that answers tells me my lawyer is also on vacation until next week. Well, he said he was “out of town” which…I’m assuming is vacation.

I reached out to my ex to see if he’d gotten an acknowledgement from the paralegal that he’d completed the parenting class. He didn’t. So she may have already been on vacation, or just didn’t get to it, or something…it may have never been sent to the judge in the first place. PLUS – the guy I spoke to yesterday said that the judge was “pretty good about getting to them within 2-3 days”. SO EVEN IF IT WAS ON HIS DESK HE STILL MIGHT NOT HAVE SIGNED IT YESTERDAY.

Oh, and several people who have gotten divorced are like “Don’t you have to go to court?” And…I don’t think so? The lawyer hasn’t given any indication that we do? But that apparently doesn’t mean anything! So once they get everything filed and the judge sees it and gets around to signing it…is it done? Or do they then have to schedule a court date?? I DON’T KNOW. Ugh.

It’s just…frustrating. I have had Jan 4 in my head as The Day for months and…now I’ve just got a question mark. At this point it’s just a formality, anyway. We aren’t fighting over anything, we’re already following the parenting plan, etc. The only thing is child support…which will be nice. But honestly, the amount he’s required to pay won’t even cover half of the daycare expense for a month. So it’s whatever.

I don’t have the energy to get upset over this situation anymore. I used up all my emotions last year. Now I just feel like I’m treading water, waiting to tie a neat little bow on the situation so I can finally – finally – move on with my life. It’s dumb that that date keeps getting pushed back, but whatever. The past seven months feel like both an eternity and a moment. So another week or so is nothing. And I’ve got my entire life ahead of me.

I’m just gonna crank up the volume on my “fuck you” playlist and get through this day.

Happy New Year!

Welcome to 2018, bitches.

This is going to be MY YEAR, everyone! I have declared it, so it must be so!! In the next two weeks I’ve got a therapist appointment, a chiropractor’s appointment, an appointment to finish my chameleon tattoo, my DivorceCare class at church is starting, and I’m getting an IUD! Not to mention the divorce will be finalized on Thursday.

I don’t really have any New Year’s Resolutions. I tried to do a “theme” last year of organization…that totally didn’t pan out. I think my main “theme” for this year should just be survival. lol! I do want to end the year in a better place than I ended last year. Mentally, physically, emotionally…all of it.

I guess I do have a few minor goals… Start going to the Rec Center, cook more and generally eat healthier foods, be better about keeping the dogs bathed, mmm…maybe potty train Wade? Pretty much everything else is on my 30 Before 30 list, which needs to be finished by the end of the year, anyway.

Oh! The January Cure has started. So I’m going to try to start that and probably fail miserably like I do every year. lololol Anyone else participating??

Holy frick-frack it’s cold in my office. I’m going to go make some hot tea or something. It’s either that or go into hibernation mode.

New Tattoo!

I started on a new tattoo this week! I love it so much.

BACKSTORY: When my ex and I first started dating he was a tattoo apprentice. (I honestly don’t know if I’d have tattoos now had we not started dating. I do know I’d have vastly different ones, but whatever. All I know is now I love tattoos and have lots of them.) My very first tattoo was a little baby dragon that everyone thought was a Pokemon. My ex drew it and the artist he was apprenticing under (Ritchie) tattooed it on my ankle. I then got really really drunk with some friends of mine and named it Smirnoff. I’ve now had this little guy for over 9 years.

When it became apparent that we were definitely getting a divorce, I reached out to Ritchie about getting a new tattoo. There were several reasons… I’ve always wanted another tattoo from him because he’s an amazing artist and the tattoo he’d done was definitely not a good display of his abilities. I also liked the symbolism behind him giving me my first tattoo when my relationship was new, and then giving me my first tattoo after my relationship had ended.

I explained all that to him, and told him that I was giving him 100% creative freedom (if he wanted it – idk, some people might not like that?) to design something for me. We scheduled an appointment and then I waited two months in breathless anticipation to see what he’d draw up. lolol

So I went in on Tuesday and he started the tattoo and everyone asks why I got it and I kind of explain it then they all look at me like I’m insane… Is it really that weird to want your artist to draw something amazing? I feel like I’m more of an art collector than anything when it comes to tattoos. I get a tattoo from an artist because I like that artist’s style. If I design the tattoo that takes away from their creative process. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. You just want to see the tattoo!

chameleon tattoo

I love it so much. And I love the way it sits on my leg. It’s really hard to take pictures of it, though. I also tried to make a video…equally difficult. I’ll try more when it’s finished…this is good enough for now. lol

I have been thinking, though. You could totally make up some symbolism for it! Like…the old tattoo is inside the pot, right? And there’s a plant growing out of it. And the pot’s all cracked. So, something something something – beauty out of destruction, new out of old, bigger and better from small and…less good? I don’t know. It’s a work in progress!

 

My House

My parents came up on Saturday and helped me around the house. We got the Christmas tree up! Dad cut down most of the bushes in the back yard (I have lots of bonfire fuel if anyone wants to come over) and cleaned out my gutters, bless his heart. The leaves had full-on composted in there. lolol We also dismantled the futon stand that my ex built and got it out of the nursery, so I could rearrange in there. I’m really digging the new setup.

I’ve done so much to my house since he moved out, you guys. I’ve seriously loaded down the outside trash can at least a dozen times. It’s full right now and trash doesn’t run until Thursday! I only have one more space in the house left to purge – the attic. I got in there long enough to get the Christmas stuff out (and fill up the outside trash can) and it’s still a total sh*t show. It’s so bad, guys. Like…all my books are just tossed in there, loose. Probably getting ruined due to heat/cold/humidity/mice. I spent a couple hours up there and just…I didn’t even put a dent in it. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I don’t know when I’ll get to it.

I’m so close to erasing his presence from my home. I mean, not entirely. That’s not possible. But I’ve gotten almost all of the big stuff. And it’s so freeing. So, so freeing. I still can’t believe that this has become my life. If you’d asked me eight months ago – shoot, six months ago – I never in a million years would’ve guessed that this is where my life was going to be right now. But it’s good. Or it has the promise of getting good. I’m discovering myself, and what I’m capable of.

I never had any doubts that I could take care of myself and Wade, but when things first started falling apart I really couldn’t see how things would get better, at least not for a long time…but it seems like every day there’s an improvement. And even when I have setbacks and sh*tty days, they’re always less sh*tty than the previous sh*tty day. And it takes less time to get over it.

The first time he made me feel like garbage after he moved out, I took a picture of myself to look back on, and vowed he’d never make me feel like that again. And he hasn’t. He doesn’t deserve to have that kind of power over me anymore. Like I said, I do still have my low moments, but they’re few and far between. But I think – I hope – all the most shocking revelations have now passed. I don’t really know what I could find out at this point that would surprise me.

I see pictures of him on my “On This Day” through Facebook and sometimes I just stare…it’s like looking at a stranger. To think you know someone, consider them your best friend and “forever and ever” love, and find out…well, that they aren’t. It’s jarring, to say the least. Good luck, future partners! I’m gonna have hella trust issues from now on.

And on a lighter note – here’s Wade’s reaction to the Christmas tree. 😀

Christmas “Card”

Last year I made these really cute paper ornaments to use as our Christmas cards. And by “made” I mean I ordered them from Shutterfly. But I was able to order them back in October when they were doing a “free” deal and it was totally worth it. I had lofty goals to do one every year and then we’d have all these nice ornaments hanging on our tree. Well this year, as you know, has gone to sh*t. So I wasn’t in the right state of mind to order ornaments back in October. And now they’re way too expensive considering they’re just pieces of paper… Shutterfly is awesome if you buy things when they’re “free”. I keep putting “free” in quotes because even when they say “free” you still have to pay shipping. And the shipping for the 6 magnets that I just ordered came out to $13. IT DOESN’T COST $13 TO SHIP 6 MAGNETS, SHUTTERFLY. But I get it. They have to make money somehow. And I’ve already sold my soul to them so I’m sticking with them, even as they bleed me dry.

All that to say…here is our Christmas “card” for this year!

2017 Christmas Magnet

Holiday Survival

I met with my therapist on October 30. That’s right before a whole bunch of shtf with my ex on October 31 and into the first week of November. I’ve had a pretty rough month, y’all. And I don’t see my therapist again until December 4. But I think it’s okay. I’ll be alright. I just have a lot to discuss with him. So much so that I keep meaning to write it all down so I can get it out in order and not leave anything out.

I’ve noticed the past several days that I’m in a perpetual state of near-cold-chill. The best way I can explain it is…you know how you kind of have to sneeze, but then you lose it? It’s the sensation that I’m just about to have a cold chill, but it never hits. So annoying! When it first happened I didn’t think anything about it and just kind of jokingly posted about it on Facebook. Then someone commented and was like “Could it be anxiety?” B*tch, it might be. Because it hasn’t gone away.

I’ve been dealing with insomnia, too. And I never have problems sleeping. Ask anyone that’s ever known me. I fall asleep quickly and am almost impossible to wake up. I don’t move until my alarm goes off the next morning. But that hasn’t been happening recently. This weekend was especially bad. I was up for a couple hours Saturday night.

I’ve also had an overwhelming desire to cry pretty much all the time for the past few days. And I have cried several times – on my way home from my parents’ house, sitting in my living room last night, in my cubicle today at work…

Anyway. I don’t know if I’m dealing with anxiety or depression or just a natural part of the healing process (or a combination of all three) but it kind of sucks to be dealing with this around the holiday season. It didn’t entirely ruin Thanksgiving (we had it this past weekend instead of during Thanksgiving) but it did make it…less enjoyable. I have a feeling Christmas is going to suck.

I don’t know what the point of this is, other than I still haven’t written anything in my journal this month and I felt the need to get it all out so I can breathe a bit. I have really supportive friends, but everyone gets tired of listening to someone hash out the same stuff over and over again.

I’m just tired and angry and sad and…all the emotions.

#brandnewday!

Yup, the old blog is gone. I think – I hope – I have all the posts saved into a Word document. I was trying to figure out how to transfer the data from my old hosting to this one and could never get it to work, then figured I didn’t want all that old baggage all up in my bidness, anyway. It’s a fresh start, yo! A #brandnewday.

I have SO MUCH to tell you. None of which I want to. I’m afraid if I start it will quickly devolve into me just smashing my hands against my keyboard repeatedly in an incoherent rage. Plus a lot of it is very private and even though I’m the queen of the overshare I’m actually holding my cards pretty close with this one.

The very, very, very short version is… Mr. T decided he didn’t want to be married anymore. He moved out in August and our divorce will be finalized at the first of the year.

It…has not been a good year for me. As the months have progressed I’ve found out more and more and…I’m just amazed. Someone who was my best friend for nearly a decade ended up being someone I don’t know at all. I have nfc how I will ever be able to trust myself or another man again, considering how totally blindsided I was by this one. I’m in therapy, at least, and most of the time I feel like a competent and capable human being. The times I don’t, though…those times suck.

But! Screw him. Wade and I are going to be just fine. 🙂 And I’d like to take a moment to pat myself on the back because I have made it through all this without ever setting any of his things on fire, or breaking anything, or going crazy toward him. 99% of the time I can even interact with him without getting emotional! My goal is to get through this divorce without ending up in prison. Fingers crossed!