Goodness. That was a LOT to unpack. I really dredged up a lot of emotions and feelings this week as I worked through everything. It feels good, though. Cleansing.

The point, though, was to reflect on how alllllll of that might be influencing my thoughts on having babies. (Not that I’m about to have a baby or anything. Slow ya roll.) I feel like I’m done, but I also feel like maybe I feel like that because when I think about newborns I all but break out in hives from the stress of thinking back to when my son was a baby.

I definitely don’t blame my son for any of it. I don’t even really blame my ex for most of it. It was a hard fucking year, man. Hard year. Logically I understand that there’s no way I’ll have a repeat performance if I have another baby, but then I also think but what if it’s worse??

I also look at the world, both politically and environmentally. And I wonder how selfish it would be to bring another innocent baby into this mess. What sort of world are we leaving for our children?

Adoption has always been something I wanted to consider. My original goal was to have two babies, then adopt. Now I’m like…maybe just one and adopt?

It isn’t a HUGE deal, other than the fact that as a woman, you definitely start to hear that biological clock start ticking when you get into your 30s. I don’t feel like I have to get knocked up this year or anything, but I know I’ve got less time than I ever have, so I need to decide soon-ish.

So, yeah. Not sure where to go from here. Back to therapy? lol! I’ve got appointments with my OB/GYN and my GP as well. Not specifically about this topic, but it’s good timing.

Dealing with mental…ailments?…is so much more difficult for me than physical ones. Like if you’ve got a vitamin deficiency or a broken foot there are tests they can run to verify what’s wrong and know when it’s better. I’ve been diagnosed with ADD and anxiety in the past year and am trying out meds for both. I hate the “is it working?” question because I just…I don’t know. Maybe?

I’m gonna go take a nap now, I think.

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