Life is interesting, you know? A year and a half ago I thought I was happily married. I guess I wasn’t. Because about a year ago, my life went to shit. I wasn’t sure what to expect as this time of the year loomed…but really, for the most part, things are good. Definitely infinitely better than where I was last year. Which really isn’t very impressive. That bar was set pretty low.
Did you know that all this started (for me) over a dream? I guess my subconscious knew something was up. I actually had a dream that he was cheating on me. Fascinating, right? FASCINATING. Anyway, it was two months of misery before he finally moved out. I thought I wanted to do everything I could to try to save “us” so I didn’t feel regret if it actually ended. I’m still on the fence about if I regret that…
It’s just…weird. We were together for nearly a decade. I thought he was my best friend. We had so much in common. You know what’s a waste? Nine years of learning about a person that is no longer relevant to your life. Personal preferences, hobbies and interests, inside jokes…nine fucking years of memories and life experiences. But at some point he became a total stranger to me.
I don’t know when things ended for him. But looking back, I can see that his mind was already made up before that night when I had that dream. A year and a half ago I would have never considered the possibility that we’d get divorced, and now I can’t imagine what life would be like if we were still married. Nine years of memories and life experiences…and now when I see him I see a stranger.
You know what pisses me off? How much I let her get to me. I can think of him and feel sadness, anger, etc. And I’m okay with that. Nine years, dude. I’ve got an entire decade to mourn, not to mention decades into the future that we’ll never experience. But this…child…that disrupted my life? She shouldn’t be anything to me.
Actually. She isn’t. I’m not letting her have that power over me. I just typed and deleted a lot of spiteful things, but I don’t really have any desire to be mean for the sake of being mean. Not long after my ex moved out I had a really shitty day. I made a vow that I’d never let him make me feel that bad again. And I haven’t let him. So right now I’m making a vow that I’m not going to waste any more mental energy on her. Because she’s nothing.