I’ve mentioned Divorce Care before. We met last night, and the topic was “Forgiveness”. (Thank God they skipped over “New Relationships” because after “Single Sexuality” I just don’t think I could take any more awkwardness.) Anyway, I’ve been mulling over the idea of it in regards to my own situation (forgiveness, not sexuality) ever since.
In the video, they were talking about how forgiveness means you’re no longer wishing to “get even” with your ex. You don’t care anymore about making sure they’re punished for the wrongs they’ve committed against you. Hanging onto anger/bitterness just hurts you without really affecting them at all. It was all good points!
My issue is…I don’t really want harm to come to my ex. I haven’t been forcing the issue on things that I know would make his life difficult – getting the stuff out of the house, getting him off my insurance, child support, filing taxes, etc. I’ve tried to stand up for myself/Wade without doing things just to be spiteful. I want him to succeed in life because I want him to be a good father for Wade. His life falling apart won’t help me at all.
I also don’t feel like I’ve forgiven him. I was trying to express this feeling during the discussion last night, and I don’t think I explained myself well. The conversation turned toward how we’ll never know why they said/did the things they have, we just have to accept that it is what it is and move on. I don’t think it’s the why that bothers me, though. People do shitty things to each other because sometimes life is shitty. I did things wrong, he did things wrong, decisions were made, and now we’re divorced.
What is picking away at my brain is…what. The events of last summer caught me so insanely off-guard that I’m not sure my brain will ever stop spinning over it. I know – I know – things that he’s done, and lied about doing. I have heard first-hand accounts from multiple sources that don’t know each other and have nothing to gain from lying to me about it. I know a Big Thing that he’s never admitted to, and I know a Small Thing that he lied to me about for YEARS and has still not admitted to. When I first learned about each of these things (after he’d already moved out) I messaged him about them and either didn’t get a response (Little Thing) or got lies (Big Thing). And neither have ever been brought up again. Because I have accepted that he won’t be honest with me. Why? I don’t care.
I hate that I’ll never know the truth. The only person that knows exactly what happened in/to our marriage is the one person that won’t be honest with me. So I’m never going to know what else, if anything (I’m sure there are other things), was a lie. And that drives me insane. I’m working on getting over it, because there’s no point in obsessing over something you can’t change. I’ve accepted that our marriage is over, and accepted that I’ll never fully understand why he made that decision… So eventually I’ll be able to accept that I’ll never know what all I need to forgive him for. I just need to know that I’ve forgiven him.
And maybe one day I can.
Today is not that day, though.
They said that forgiveness is a decision first, a feeling second. And that you can work on being willing to be willing to forgive, before you’re actually willing to forgive. And I think I’m there. I want to want to forgive him. Because what’s the point of not?
Maybe one day I won’t flip his shop off as I drive by.