Single and Ready to Mingle

I never posted when the divorce was finalized. My bad. I’ve been officially divorced since January 17! It feels good. Weird, but good.

I keep saying it, I know, but I just never imagined that this was going to be my life. I really thought that we were solidly in love and would be forever. We did have a very rough year, year and a half. Things were hard before I got pregnant and they definitely didn’t get easier after Wade was born. I do not in any way blame Wade for anything that has happened. I just think that when life got hard, we didn’t work to fix it. So it got harder. And then when it came down to working hard to fix it, or just giving up, he gave up. I’ll never see it any other way. He wouldn’t even CONSIDER counseling. It was straight up “I’m miserable and will never be happy again unless I get away from all of this.”

I’m sorry… I don’t want to air out all my dirty laundry. I’ve just had a rough week or so and am feeling especially salty about life right now. But honestly…my life is so much better now than it was a year ago. Or even six months ago. Or even ONE month ago. It gets better every day – even on bad days. I really do believe that it would’ve gotten better even if he’d stayed. It would’ve been hard, and we would’ve had to put a lot of work into it, but I don’t think our marriage was impossible to save.

Now? Now I do. If he came back to me and wanted to work things out…there’s no way. Too many trusts have been broken. Too many lies have been told, revealed, and denied. I’m more angry with him now than I was the day he moved out. It’s not a passionate anger, though. I don’t have any desire to be dramatic or petty. The time for that has passed. I just have a deep burn inside my spirit that ebbs and flows depending on the day. lol! Maybe that did sound dramatic, I don’t know.

I hope he’s a good dad. I want him to be there for Wade. I want them to have a strong relationship. I don’t want to do anything to prevent that from happening. It’s going to be hard to navigate the waters as Wade gets older and starts asking questions, but I hope that by then I’ll have the words to explain what’s happened in a more objective manner.

Ugh, anyway! I didn’t mean to go to such a dark place!! I blame the rainy weather. The important thing is that I’m single! My life is starting fresh! There is so much out there to experience…I’m really very excited about it. Look! I went to a movie alone for the first time ever. It was pretty nice. The hardest part was having no one to distract with my witty and brilliant observations.

 

7 Replies to “Single and Ready to Mingle”

  1. Stop apologizing for having feelings, especially ‘bitterness’. I honestly believe that bitter is the shameful term for angry that is used to shame women for not being complacent and stoic 100% of the time. Men can get pissed and blow shit up and it’s completely acceptable but ohhh nooo a woman is slightly bitttterrrrr.
    You deserve to be fucking belligerent! You have lived through a shit show of betrayal and lies. You can’t fix a broken person. You have this beautiful perfect son, an education, a young healthy body and your entire future at your fingertips. Most importantly you were raised right, and you are navigating this all with dignity and class. Because of course you would.

    1. <3 Thank you!

      I don't necessarily feel bad for my feelings...I'm just surprised about when/how they come out. I thought I was writing a blog post about how excited I am to be divorced and then I word-vomited all this stuff about my ex.

      But thank you for your comment. I needed to hear it. I'm classy af, yo.

  2. You looked good tonight! Still you and happy and stuff!
    I’m sorry things were tough and you weren’t able to reconcile it.
    However I’m glad you seem to be recovering super healthy from it with positive outlooks!
    You rock it , lady! I’m glad you’re my friend!

    1. It was good to see you! I’m happy 95% of the time, I just have low moments. That was a good night, though. 🙂 How’s your tattoo looking??

      I’m glad we’re friends, too! We should hang out soon. <3

  3. I’m a little late to the party for this one but I just wanted to share what I remember about my parents’ divorce. I remember them fighting when I was a child and I remember how unhappy that made me. I do not remember what they told us about why they were splitting up – something comforting about loving each other and us but not being in love I think – but I remember thinking about the fighting. I remember that neither of them ever spoke badly of the other and that they were always still a team when it came to taking care of us and our needs. Hell, my dad still comes to my mom’s family get-togethers (partially because he doesn’t have anymore family here, but still). I know things are different for you and your ex because there were trusts broken, as you said. And for a while I wished they would work it out. But my step-dad, while he has faults like anyone, loves us. And my parents get along really well. Looking back, I can see how much better they were apart. Sometimes that’s hard for a kid to understand in the moment, but even if he struggles at first I’m sure Wade will get it. You’re a great mom!

    1. Yeah, I’m glad this happened when Wade was so young, so hopefully he won’t have any negative memories about us splitting up… I have other friends who remember how miserable their childhoods were because their parents should’ve split sooner but didn’t. Maybe by the time Wade’s old enough we will be on better terms. I like the idea of being able to spend more than 3 minutes in each other’s company, having joint birthday parties and what-not. I’ve seen divorced couples still get family pictures, or celebrate holidays together. But I’m definitely not there yet. lol!

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