My House

My parents came up on Saturday and helped me around the house. We got the Christmas tree up! Dad cut down most of the bushes in the back yard (I have lots of bonfire fuel if anyone wants to come over) and cleaned out my gutters, bless his heart. The leaves had full-on composted in there. lolol We also dismantled the futon stand that my ex built and got it out of the nursery, so I could rearrange in there. I’m really digging the new setup.

I’ve done so much to my house since he moved out, you guys. I’ve seriously loaded down the outside trash can at least a dozen times. It’s full right now and trash doesn’t run until Thursday! I only have one more space in the house left to purge – the attic. I got in there long enough to get the Christmas stuff out (and fill up the outside trash can) and it’s still a total sh*t show. It’s so bad, guys. Like…all my books are just tossed in there, loose. Probably getting ruined due to heat/cold/humidity/mice. I spent a couple hours up there and just…I didn’t even put a dent in it. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I don’t know when I’ll get to it.

I’m so close to erasing his presence from my home. I mean, not entirely. That’s not possible. But I’ve gotten almost all of the big stuff. And it’s so freeing. So, so freeing. I still can’t believe that this has become my life. If you’d asked me eight months ago – shoot, six months ago – I never in a million years would’ve guessed that this is where my life was going to be right now. But it’s good. Or it has the promise of getting good. I’m discovering myself, and what I’m capable of.

I never had any doubts that I could take care of myself and Wade, but when things first started falling apart I really couldn’t see how things would get better, at least not for a long time…but it seems like every day there’s an improvement. And even when I have setbacks and sh*tty days, they’re always less sh*tty than the previous sh*tty day. And it takes less time to get over it.

The first time he made me feel like garbage after he moved out, I took a picture of myself to look back on, and vowed he’d never make me feel like that again. And he hasn’t. He doesn’t deserve to have that kind of power over me anymore. Like I said, I do still have my low moments, but they’re few and far between. But I think – I hope – all the most shocking revelations have now passed. I don’t really know what I could find out at this point that would surprise me.

I see pictures of him on my “On This Day” through Facebook and sometimes I just stare…it’s like looking at a stranger. To think you know someone, consider them your best friend and “forever and ever” love, and find out…well, that they aren’t. It’s jarring, to say the least. Good luck, future partners! I’m gonna have hella trust issues from now on.

And on a lighter note – here’s Wade’s reaction to the Christmas tree. 😀

Christmas “Card”

Last year I made these really cute paper ornaments to use as our Christmas cards. And by “made” I mean I ordered them from Shutterfly. But I was able to order them back in October when they were doing a “free” deal and it was totally worth it. I had lofty goals to do one every year and then we’d have all these nice ornaments hanging on our tree. Well this year, as you know, has gone to sh*t. So I wasn’t in the right state of mind to order ornaments back in October. And now they’re way too expensive considering they’re just pieces of paper… Shutterfly is awesome if you buy things when they’re “free”. I keep putting “free” in quotes because even when they say “free” you still have to pay shipping. And the shipping for the 6 magnets that I just ordered came out to $13. IT DOESN’T COST $13 TO SHIP 6 MAGNETS, SHUTTERFLY. But I get it. They have to make money somehow. And I’ve already sold my soul to them so I’m sticking with them, even as they bleed me dry.

All that to say…here is our Christmas “card” for this year!

2017 Christmas Magnet

Holiday Survival

I met with my therapist on October 30. That’s right before a whole bunch of shtf with my ex on October 31 and into the first week of November. I’ve had a pretty rough month, y’all. And I don’t see my therapist again until December 4. But I think it’s okay. I’ll be alright. I just have a lot to discuss with him. So much so that I keep meaning to write it all down so I can get it out in order and not leave anything out.

I’ve noticed the past several days that I’m in a perpetual state of near-cold-chill. The best way I can explain it is…you know how you kind of have to sneeze, but then you lose it? It’s the sensation that I’m just about to have a cold chill, but it never hits. So annoying! When it first happened I didn’t think anything about it and just kind of jokingly posted about it on Facebook. Then someone commented and was like “Could it be anxiety?” B*tch, it might be. Because it hasn’t gone away.

I’ve been dealing with insomnia, too. And I never have problems sleeping. Ask anyone that’s ever known me. I fall asleep quickly and am almost impossible to wake up. I don’t move until my alarm goes off the next morning. But that hasn’t been happening recently. This weekend was especially bad. I was up for a couple hours Saturday night.

I’ve also had an overwhelming desire to cry pretty much all the time for the past few days. And I have cried several times – on my way home from my parents’ house, sitting in my living room last night, in my cubicle today at work…

Anyway. I don’t know if I’m dealing with anxiety or depression or just a natural part of the healing process (or a combination of all three) but it kind of sucks to be dealing with this around the holiday season. It didn’t entirely ruin Thanksgiving (we had it this past weekend instead of during Thanksgiving) but it did make it…less enjoyable. I have a feeling Christmas is going to suck.

I don’t know what the point of this is, other than I still haven’t written anything in my journal this month and I felt the need to get it all out so I can breathe a bit. I have really supportive friends, but everyone gets tired of listening to someone hash out the same stuff over and over again.

I’m just tired and angry and sad and…all the emotions.

30 Before 30

If you remember my 30 Before 30 from days gone by, this one is definitely  tweaked in some major ways. Also, it’s not really stuff that I plan on getting done before my 30th birthday. I’m giving myself through the end of 2018.

I guess there’s something at least somewhat exciting at starting your 30s as a newly-single mom? I feel like there’s a world of possibilities opening up to me. Did I ever want to be here? No. Am I glad to be here? More and more every day.

ANYWAY. On to the list. 🙂


1. Have a child.

I did, in fact, have a child! LBW (Wade) is the absolute best thing I have ever done with my life. The only reason I don’t regret the past decade of my life is because he was born.

2. Record at least 20 recipes in a cookbook.

I’ve actually purchased a recipe box with cards…I just need to sit down and write out some recipes! There are a few that I found on Pinterest that I make fairly regularly and it would be nice to have them accessible without needing to pull out my phone and get online. (Like I’m not on my phone 24/7, anyway.)

3. Start to work out regularly.

Damnit. I forget about this one all the time and get annoyed when I see it on my list… I should, but don’t want to, work out. >.>

4. Travel outside the US.

I’m going to Canada, you guys! It’s going to take care of at three things on this list, too!! (road trip, tattoo, travel outside the US)

5. Get a full sleeve tattoo.

I have an appointment scheduled with Yann Black next September. WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE HOW EXCITED I AM RIGHT NOW.

6. Go on a road trip.

Currently the plan is to rent a car and spend several days driving up into Canada, get tattooed, then fly back to TN. I’M SO EXCITED.

7. Be debt free.

I have about $7k left on my car and about $3k that I took on during the divorce from a loan for the shop…which I really regret doing now, but whatever. I can’t believe I have $10k in debt. I need to go by the bank and see if I can consolidate and refinance and idk what other buzz words. I doubt I’ll get this one checked off, though.

8. Buy a new car.

I did buy a new car! Which is why I’m in debt. >.>

9. Make homemade home decorations.

This one was always vague and weird and I want to just check it off so I can have another thing done, darnit. Plus I have an embarrassing number of paintings that I’ve done up in the living room. Artist I am not, my friends.

10. Watch all of The Office on Netflix.

I forget when I watched this, but I did. It was hilarious. Everyone should do it at least once in their lives.

11. Build a website for Still Waters Mtn Retreat.

I sort of made a site for Mom and Dad using Bootstrap. It’s garbage. I should fix it before another year passes.

12. Learn to sew.

I have a sewing machine. I’ve never taken it out of the box. I have at least four Pinterest boards with things I want to make. GET ON IT, SARAH.

13. Read 400 books.

  • 2013: 85
  • 2014: 95
  • 2015: 52
  • 2016: 12 (I blame Wade for this.)
  • 2017: 92 and counting

400 – 336 = 64!

14. Bike 30 miles.

Next spring/summer/fall I want to bike a total of 30 miles. I toyed with the idea of doing it all in one go, but I’ll more than likely have Wade strapped to my bike, so that’s an extra 20-30 lbs I’ll be hauling…let’s not get too crazy, okay?

15. Find a new job.

I’ve been a web developer at MTSU since June!

16. Have sex every day for a month.

I did this. We made a baby. It was worth it. But f*ck him. (heh)

17. Get roommates.

Ironically, this used to be “Ditch the roommates.” but here I am, with two roommates. And this is preferred over living alone. Plus they pay rent! And I genuinely like them. We should have a sitcom. My house currently contains: 3 adults, 1 toddler, 3 dogs, and 2 cats.

18. Ditch the disposables.

I want to cut out paper plates, plastic cups/flatware, napkins, etc. and only use resuable things. Save the planet, yo. This is where learning to sew would be beneficial…I could make my own napkins/towels.

19. Make a family photo album every year.

I made 2015 & 2016 albums, plus a baby book for Wade’s first year, and I’ve started on a 2017 album. Mr. T was extremely considerate and moved out on our anniversary, so I was able to keep the same timeline with my newest book. Such a f*cking gentleman.

20. Grow my hair out to shoulder-length.

It’s close enough, and still growing. I really like the black hair! I am worried about damage, though. :\

21. Go on an adventure every year.

2013, 14, and 15 we went to Bonnaroo. 2016 we went to Pilgrimage Music & Art Festival. 2017 I’ve gone on the biggest effing adventure ever – divorce.

22. Make updates to the living room:

  • Remove shelves
  • paint over floors
  • hang pictures/art
  • hang curtains

23. Make updates to Wade’s room:

  • hang art
  • remove futon

24. Make updates to the upstairs:

  • paint trim
  • do…something…to stairwell and landing flooring
  • gallery wall/string art in the stairwell

25. Make updates to my bedroom:

  • hang art/mirrors
  • hang curtains

26. Make something challenging.

I want to build something. With power tools and sweat. And since all the crazy has gone down, I decided I want to build a bed frame for my new room. I BOUGHT A KING-SIZED BED YOU GUYS. I sleep in luxury now. Even if it is currently “mattress on the floor” luxury. lolol

27. Have a date night at a nice restaurant.

I did this with Mr. T when Wade was just a few months old. We ate at High Point and stayed in a cabin while my parents kept Wade overnight.

28. Get back out there.

I’m about to be a recently-divorced 29yo woman with a toddler, roommates, and serious trust issues. I can’t begin to imagine what sort of hi-jinks I’m going to experience while dating.

29. Write a 40 Before 40 list.

I’ve actually done this. I just need to transfer it over…and update it. Because I’m guessing a lot is going to change on it as well.

30. Have a BANGIN 30th birthday party.

I can’t wait to plan it. We’re gonna have fun, y’all. <3

Case of the Mondays?

Today feels awful Monday-y considering it’s Tuesday. I donated blood yesterday, then stayed up way too late. AND ran into the two people I least want to see right now. I didn’t have to interact with them…but just seeing them is enough to ruin your whole day. Anyway, other stuff happened, too. Good stuff. So don’t let the bad get you down, yo.

I really need to track down my old 30 Before 30 list and repost it. I’m midway through my 29th year, so it’s now or never! And I have to change…quite a bit of it now that I’m gonna be #singleandreadytomingle. One day I will look back on hashtags with the same disdain that I now give my “lolspeak” of 10 years ago. Even typing “lolspeak” makes me cringe now.

It’s been awhile since I posted. Are there any pressing questions you’d like answered?

#brandnewday!

Yup, the old blog is gone. I think – I hope – I have all the posts saved into a Word document. I was trying to figure out how to transfer the data from my old hosting to this one and could never get it to work, then figured I didn’t want all that old baggage all up in my bidness, anyway. It’s a fresh start, yo! A #brandnewday.

I have SO MUCH to tell you. None of which I want to. I’m afraid if I start it will quickly devolve into me just smashing my hands against my keyboard repeatedly in an incoherent rage. Plus a lot of it is very private and even though I’m the queen of the overshare I’m actually holding my cards pretty close with this one.

The very, very, very short version is… Mr. T decided he didn’t want to be married anymore. He moved out in August and our divorce will be finalized at the first of the year.

It…has not been a good year for me. As the months have progressed I’ve found out more and more and…I’m just amazed. Someone who was my best friend for nearly a decade ended up being someone I don’t know at all. I have nfc how I will ever be able to trust myself or another man again, considering how totally blindsided I was by this one. I’m in therapy, at least, and most of the time I feel like a competent and capable human being. The times I don’t, though…those times suck.

But! Screw him. Wade and I are going to be just fine. 🙂 And I’d like to take a moment to pat myself on the back because I have made it through all this without ever setting any of his things on fire, or breaking anything, or going crazy toward him. 99% of the time I can even interact with him without getting emotional! My goal is to get through this divorce without ending up in prison. Fingers crossed!