My parents came up on Saturday and helped me around the house. We got the Christmas tree up! Dad cut down most of the bushes in the back yard (I have lots of bonfire fuel if anyone wants to come over) and cleaned out my gutters, bless his heart. The leaves had full-on composted in there. lolol We also dismantled the futon stand that my ex built and got it out of the nursery, so I could rearrange in there. I’m really digging the new setup.
I’ve done so much to my house since he moved out, you guys. I’ve seriously loaded down the outside trash can at least a dozen times. It’s full right now and trash doesn’t run until Thursday! I only have one more space in the house left to purge – the attic. I got in there long enough to get the Christmas stuff out (and fill up the outside trash can) and it’s still a total sh*t show. It’s so bad, guys. Like…all my books are just tossed in there, loose. Probably getting ruined due to heat/cold/humidity/mice. I spent a couple hours up there and just…I didn’t even put a dent in it. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I don’t know when I’ll get to it.
I’m so close to erasing his presence from my home. I mean, not entirely. That’s not possible. But I’ve gotten almost all of the big stuff. And it’s so freeing. So, so freeing. I still can’t believe that this has become my life. If you’d asked me eight months ago – shoot, six months ago – I never in a million years would’ve guessed that this is where my life was going to be right now. But it’s good. Or it has the promise of getting good. I’m discovering myself, and what I’m capable of.
I never had any doubts that I could take care of myself and Wade, but when things first started falling apart I really couldn’t see how things would get better, at least not for a long time…but it seems like every day there’s an improvement. And even when I have setbacks and sh*tty days, they’re always less sh*tty than the previous sh*tty day. And it takes less time to get over it.
The first time he made me feel like garbage after he moved out, I took a picture of myself to look back on, and vowed he’d never make me feel like that again. And he hasn’t. He doesn’t deserve to have that kind of power over me anymore. Like I said, I do still have my low moments, but they’re few and far between. But I think – I hope – all the most shocking revelations have now passed. I don’t really know what I could find out at this point that would surprise me.
I see pictures of him on my “On This Day” through Facebook and sometimes I just stare…it’s like looking at a stranger. To think you know someone, consider them your best friend and “forever and ever” love, and find out…well, that they aren’t. It’s jarring, to say the least. Good luck, future partners! I’m gonna have hella trust issues from now on.
And on a lighter note – here’s Wade’s reaction to the Christmas tree. 😀