Get Outta My Headspace

I’m on my phone and half asleep while I type this, but I’m doing it anyway. Because I’m stuck on this thought of… How can you borderline hate someone and also feel thankful toward them? I don’t know how I’ll ever straighten out my thoughts regarding my ex-husband.

Because, I mean… What’s the point of being angry with him? Why am I so upset? The loss of a future that wasn’t promised anyway? I have no doubt we could’ve been happy together but that’s gone. My future feels pretty positive at this point.

I always appreciated that he was a dreamer – an artistic soul with great aspirations…or something. But my God that wasn’t an easy life. There was too much pressure on me. Too much responsibility. Now that I’m dating men in their 30s I’m like… Oh. I don’t have to carry that burden anymore. They’re capable of taking care of themselves.

I was listening to Jolene recently (Wade likes Dolly Parton, what?) and had this epiphany that isn’t that groundbreaking… But if a man is willing to destroy EVERYTHING over another woman…then do it. idgaf. I’m not going to beg him to stay. I’m not going to beg her to leave us alone. If a man is so weak and not committed to me and us and our future together…then I don’t want him. She can have him. Because you know what? One day there will be another iteration of her.

If I had known I was “competing against” a girl 10 years younger than I am, unburdened by life and adulthood… Fuck it. Have her. I fought because I thought I was fighting against depression and some kind of weird quarter-life crisis. I thought we had something worth saving and he had already thrown it out like a piece of trash.

The problem is…

For whatever reason, I have lived my entire life with this fear of being…disliked. I’ve always been so scared of being judged that I never did anything. Seriously… I was SO UNCOMFORTABLE existing for the first 20-odd years of my life. To this day I’ve never felt like I could fully be 100% my authentic self with anyone. Every family member, every friendship, every interaction – I hold back out of fear.

Except with him. I felt so safe with him. So secure. Everything seemed so easy and natural and perfect. We were basically the same person, I thought. I finally found someone I trusted with…myself. And then after 9 years together he tells me that I’ve actually been making his life miserable for… I don’t know? The entire time?

Well.

Shit.

What do you DO with that?? I’m SO INSANELY TERRIFIED of opening myself up to that level of trust again. I don’t think I’ll ever love someone with the blinding love that I felt for him. Because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to shake the tendril of fear that says “one day he will hate you”. Because you know what? He lied to me for years and I never doubted him.

How do you recalibrate your life after this? I’ve taken to oversharing quite a bit. Coworkers, Facebook friends, dude that I’ve only been dating for a couple months… I’m trying the tactic of “THIS IS ME, WORLD! ACCEPT IT OR LEAVE!” as a way to, I don’t know…give them a chance to run away before I get more attached.

But there’s still a part of me, in my very core, that I can’t release. No one gets that. That is me and it is mine and I’m not letting anyone see. Because once they do…what? They won’t like me? I already assume people don’t. For real. You can say you like me. I won’t believe you.

Wasn’t I saying I felt optimistic about my future at the start of this?? lololol

I think that’s true. I mean… I think shit is going to be hard. A lot of hurdles need to be crossed. But I know I can do it. And I know if/when I find a man worthy of my love and this life, he’ll gladly start jumping them with me.

So, yeah… Thank you, but fuck you. My life is awesome and will continue to become more awesome, but now the process has gotten way harder than it needed to be.

Okay, goodnight. The mobile interface is terrible so I’m not proofreading. This probably should’ve been written in a journal instead of a blog. Oops!