Life is interesting, you know? A year and a half ago I thought I was happily married. I guess I wasn’t. Because about a year ago, my life went to shit. I wasn’t sure what to expect as this time of the year loomed…but really, for the most part, things are good. Definitely infinitely better than where I was last year. Which really isn’t very impressive. That bar was set pretty low.
Did you know that all this started (for me) over a dream? I guess my subconscious knew something was up. I actually had a dream that he was cheating on me. Fascinating, right? FASCINATING. Anyway, it was two months of misery before he finally moved out. I thought I wanted to do everything I could to try to save “us” so I didn’t feel regret if it actually ended. I’m still on the fence about if I regret that…
It’s just…weird. We were together for nearly a decade. I thought he was my best friend. We had so much in common. You know what’s a waste? Nine years of learning about a person that is no longer relevant to your life. Personal preferences, hobbies and interests, inside jokes…nine fucking years of memories and life experiences. But at some point he became a total stranger to me.
I don’t know when things ended for him. But looking back, I can see that his mind was already made up before that night when I had that dream. A year and a half ago I would have never considered the possibility that we’d get divorced, and now I can’t imagine what life would be like if we were still married. Nine years of memories and life experiences…and now when I see him I see a stranger.
You know what pisses me off? How much I let her get to me. I can think of him and feel sadness, anger, etc. And I’m okay with that. Nine years, dude. I’ve got an entire decade to mourn, not to mention decades into the future that we’ll never experience. But this…child…that disrupted my life? She shouldn’t be anything to me.
Actually. She isn’t. I’m not letting her have that power over me. I just typed and deleted a lot of spiteful things, but I don’t really have any desire to be mean for the sake of being mean. Not long after my ex moved out I had a really shitty day. I made a vow that I’d never let him make me feel that bad again. And I haven’t let him. So right now I’m making a vow that I’m not going to waste any more mental energy on her. Because she’s nothing.
6 Replies to “Anniversaries…”
*hugs* You know I think you’re amazing.
It does suck to have spent all that time, and now you’re here. But you do have Wade. And I’m sure all that time shaped you as a person and taught you lessons.
I will say the Sarah I met then is different from the Sarah I know now. I liked them both, but I like current you the best.
I’m sorry you had to deal with any of this, but you’ve come out of it a real champ. You’ve dealt with it like a super grown up too, getting your crap together and getting rid of his.
You’re stellar, girl! And now I leave you with the wise words of The Eagles:
“You never thought you’d be alone this far down the line
And I know what’s been on your mind
You’re afraid it’s all been wasted time…
…maybe someday we will find , that it wasn’t really wasted time”
Thanks. 🙂 I really wouldn’t change the past ten years, almost entirely because of Wade. He makes it all worth it. I’ve been very purposeful in trying to maintain an “adultness” about myself throughout this entire process, so I can look back on this time in my life without regret. I really think I did the right thing…even though right now I’m kind of sad I wasn’t more petty back then. lol!
Thank you for your nice words. I like me better now, too. I wish I didn’t have so many overwhelming trust issues and insecurities…but I’m working on it. That’s why God made therapists and patient boyfriends.
Its eerily similar reading your posts because I remember going through the same emotions and you are doing excellent. You are a much better person for having to navigate this sucky part of life. You grow stronger each step of the way and for that you should thank them…BOTH. They ultimately did you a huge favor 🙂
Oh definitely. What I’ve struggled with the most in all this is that I knew we were having a rough year. A lot of really hard things happened to us. But I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. He couldn’t see that. At some point our realities split and there was no going back, I guess. But I told him back then, and I’ve found it to be true – I’m going to be fine. Wade’s going to be fine. We’re fine right now, and we get better every day. And I have no doubt that one day he’s going to wake up and realize that he made a huge mistake. Maybe he already has. I don’t know and I doubt he’ll ever tell me. But I do know it’s too late. It was too late from the moment he walked out the front door. I just wish he’d been honest with me. I wish he was honest with me now. Because nothing he’s done will change my opinion of him at this point.
I never was mad at the women. It was probably easier in the sense that they (supposedly) didn’t know about me, but I always figured that he was scummy and their “happiness” with him would be short-lived anyway. People don’t change unless they want to change, so odds are good that she will get the same treatment from him eventually. And as you said, it’s not worth the mental effort to think about her at all. What will be will be, meanwhile you’re kicking ass!
Yeah, but she knew me. She was AT MY HOUSE on his birthday a week before he moved out. So she can…well. Nevermind. But I don’t like her. lol! I don’t sympathize with her. She’s trash.
Crap, sorry. I’m still a work in progress.