I never posted when the divorce was finalized. My bad. I’ve been officially divorced since January 17! It feels good. Weird, but good.
I keep saying it, I know, but I just never imagined that this was going to be my life. I really thought that we were solidly in love and would be forever. We did have a very rough year, year and a half. Things were hard before I got pregnant and they definitely didn’t get easier after Wade was born. I do not in any way blame Wade for anything that has happened. I just think that when life got hard, we didn’t work to fix it. So it got harder. And then when it came down to working hard to fix it, or just giving up, he gave up. I’ll never see it any other way. He wouldn’t even CONSIDER counseling. It was straight up “I’m miserable and will never be happy again unless I get away from all of this.”
I’m sorry… I don’t want to air out all my dirty laundry. I’ve just had a rough week or so and am feeling especially salty about life right now. But honestly…my life is so much better now than it was a year ago. Or even six months ago. Or even ONE month ago. It gets better every day – even on bad days. I really do believe that it would’ve gotten better even if he’d stayed. It would’ve been hard, and we would’ve had to put a lot of work into it, but I don’t think our marriage was impossible to save.
Now? Now I do. If he came back to me and wanted to work things out…there’s no way. Too many trusts have been broken. Too many lies have been told, revealed, and denied. I’m more angry with him now than I was the day he moved out. It’s not a passionate anger, though. I don’t have any desire to be dramatic or petty. The time for that has passed. I just have a deep burn inside my spirit that ebbs and flows depending on the day. lol! Maybe that did sound dramatic, I don’t know.
I hope he’s a good dad. I want him to be there for Wade. I want them to have a strong relationship. I don’t want to do anything to prevent that from happening. It’s going to be hard to navigate the waters as Wade gets older and starts asking questions, but I hope that by then I’ll have the words to explain what’s happened in a more objective manner.
Ugh, anyway! I didn’t mean to go to such a dark place!! I blame the rainy weather. The important thing is that I’m single! My life is starting fresh! There is so much out there to experience…I’m really very excited about it. Look! I went to a movie alone for the first time ever. It was pretty nice. The hardest part was having no one to distract with my witty and brilliant observations.