TMI Baby Update

No babies this month!

BUT. We did have a panicked couple of days. Well, I did. Mr. T was mostly oblivious, since I waited to tell him.

I get great joy out of grossing Mom out. So I decided to tell her about the DivaCup. She was sufficiently grossed out. *high-five* In my grand storytelling, I mentioned how I have this fancy app on my phone and it is always correct in predicting the start of my period. I guess karma decided to rear its ugly head and punish me for freaking Mom out, by suddenly making my period TWO DAYS LATE.

Now, that might not seem like a big deal to you if you’re of the (I’m pretty sure) majority of women who don’t really have consistent periods. But I have gotten my period on schedule every month since my very first one at age 12. Minus the year or so I was dealing with those god-awful Depo Provera shots… So one day late had me panicked, and two had me actually voicing my concerns to Mr. T. I was due to start on Christmas Day (Merry Christmas, me, right?) – or maybe it was the 26th? – and it didn’t show up until yesterday afternoon.

It may have been my body protesting spending so much time away from home, like when I didn’t poop for four days our first year at Bonnaroo. I don’t like change, and apparently my body doesn’t, either. Mr. T did say that I regress back to being a child while at my parents’…maybe it’s a pre-pubescent child?

Thoughts that went through my head during my pregnancy scare:

  • plans for making a pregnancy announcement to my family immediately after spending four days cracking jokes about how not into having babies we are right now
  • plans for making a pregnancy announcement on Facebook after spending years cracking jokes about how not into having babies we have always been and probably always will be
  • “Who do I tell first??”
  • The knowledge that people will either think we were liars about not wanting to have kids, or everyone will know it was a “whoopsie!” baby…
  • excitement over the thought that I wouldn’t be able to paint for 9-10 months, so Mr. T would be responsible for finishing the closet
  • “Oh God – now we have to set up a nursery…”
  • “WE GET TO SET UP A NURSERY!”
  • “Ugh…we have to set up a nursery.”
  • “Crap, I’m going to be super pregnant in the summer, in Tennessee.”
  • condomless sex – hooray!
  • “Yes! Let’s do this!”
  • “Nooo…too soon!”

I even went so far as to go to Kroger and buy pregnancy tests. Of course, my period had started by the time I got back from Kroger. >.< I realized it after I had gotten prepared to take the test, so I took the darn thing anyway, just to be sure. (One of my biggest more minor fears is being one of those women that somehow has her period the entire time she’s pregnant.) I’m definitely not pregnant. I’d post a picture of the test, but no one really wants to see something someone has peed on. Well, most people don’t, and the ones that do aren’t people I want seeing things I’ve peed on.

The most traumatic moment related to this scare happened Saturday night, when I was so panicked I’d broken down and told Mr. T so he could panic with me. As Mama N was leaving my parents’ house she made a few declarations and well-wishes for the new year, and hers to us was something along the lines of “May you be blessed this year with a new baby!” It was one of those “Oh God, it’s a sign.” moments that hit both of us, and we desperately tried to act cool about it, but probably failed.

Anyway, tl;dr: We aren’t pregnant. #PraiseJesus


2 thoughts on “TMI Baby Update

  1. I keep a steady supply of pregnancy tests at home because this is my nightmare. I’m too irregular to rely on my period as an accurate indicator – I just didn’t have it for 2months this summer, as an example – so I freak easily and tests reassure me.

    I also told my family about the cup this Christmas to similar reactions! Made me laugh.

    • I don’t understand why people are so against the cup! Mom hates tampons, too, so her preferred method is seriously adult diapers?! Well, it would be. She’s past the point of needing anything these days, which I’m sure she is eternally thankful for. Of course, she may be now approaching that time in her life where she needs actual adult diapers… ;)

      We went through a phase after I’d gone off BC of constant paranoia. But we’ve finally decided that condom are trustworthy, after all, and I hadn’t bothered to buy any in months.

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