Tissues? His shoes? Issues.

Miss C and I, at some camp or some such thing, got hysterical at one point because one of us mentioned that the other had issues, but she misheard, asked for clarification which was also misheard and it spiraled out of control. I dunno – teenagers are weird, man, don’t ask me to make sense of it. That’s what happened, and I gotta live with it.

The point is, I have awful, horrible, wretched self-esteem. And a few incidents recently have really exacerbated the issue. I’m totally going to vaguebook up in here, though.

The first, and worst, was kind of said in a joking manner…but I feel like there was more than a little bit of honesty in it, and it came from someone that I didn’t anticipate was judging me under such a harsh light. It didn’t have anything to do with me personally, exactly, but about my house/lifestyle. I know we’re messy, and it’s hard to keep things clean with the pets we have/foster… But they basically said my house was gross, smelly, and unfit for children. Ouch.

Not too long after that I had to attend a function that required “Country concert attire” – but not redneck Country…classy Country. I went out and bought a dress that was on clearance at Old Navy, along with a jean jacket, and borrowed my sister’s cowboy boots. I was going to this event with coworkers. Oh! And the first coworker I’d invited at first said no, but as others decided to attend she changed her mind and said that, yes, she would go, because now it would be fun. So that kind of hurt my feelings…apparently I’m not “fun” enough to hang out with solo.

I ended up riding with another coworker – I was kind of feeling spiteful and didn’t want to hang out with the one who didn’t think I was fun. 8P But that was a mistake. Coworker #2 was meeting up with friends of hers to finish getting ready. I was already ready. And they were taller, more polished, classier…just more adult than I was. They had all these outfits to choose between, and jewelry to try on, and were doing their hair and makeup… I felt like a little sister that was just in the way. So I stand off to the side, sipping my alcohol, and get…drunk. Waaaaay too drunk. Thanks social awkwardness, paired with poor self-control! I’m sure I was horribly embarrassing. They say I was fine, but… I don’t think I was.

And then outside of specific situations I just have a general feeling of incompetence. I don’t feel like I’m dressing professionally enough. I don’t wear makeup. My hair is…weird. I don’t know if corporate America is for me. :\ But I also have no self-confidence in being able to get a more tech-focused job at a software development firm. Even if I did, I’m not sure I’d enjoy the work. I’m just…feeling out of sorts. With myself, my life, my decisions… I don’t enjoy being an adult, and I would like for it to stop.

One more whiny bit of business… How does one make friends as an adult? All the people I went to school with for six or so years that understood me and I’m comfortable with have all moved away. Now I have “coworkers” and “people I go to church with”… It’s all well and good to make small talk, but we don’t really hang out. I always feel like I’m saying/doing something that puts them off. I don’t feel like we have anything in common… I don’t know if when we are chatting they enjoy it, or I’m just annoying to them.

UGH. I hate my stupid brain.

I probably shouldn’t even post this, because I’m coming across as a whiny turd, but I haven’t really blogged in awhile so if I’m going to spend this much time type-type-typing away I might as well hit “Publish”.

10 thoughts on “Tissues? His shoes? Issues.

  1. Isn’t this a strange year? Everyone seems to be having life crises, and it sucks. Making friends now is definitely more difficult, unless you join some club or consistently go out and do something in a like minded group (photography? Painting? Bark Park?). But that takes money and effort…. I wish we could help boost your self esteem, but my best advice is just ” Fake it til you make it! ” Which isn’t the most helpful, I know. But you got this, a good life, good hubby, and people who care. You know you can talk to us when you’re down. Or just snuggle up with your puppies, because they just want to be with you and make you happy. :-)

    • I’m telling you – it’s our quarter-life crises!! We’re all creeping closer to 30 than 20 and realizing we’re pretty much definitely considered adults now, even though we don’t feel like it. Weddings, babies, jobs, deaths… And it just gets worse! My sister’s 9 years older than I am and now is dealing with all her friends getting divorces!! lol

      You really do have to decide WHOSE opinion matters to you, and ignore the rest. I guess my issue is…whose opinions matter now??

  2. I feel your pain so hard. It really, REALLY sucked that it took me 9 months to find a job at something I thought I was good at while I watched people who graduated months after me find jobs months before me. And now that I finally have one, my excitement and relief lasted about 20 minutes before self-doubt started whispering that I’d still be bad at it because why else did it take so long to find? Why else am I making so (relative to my peers) little? Why else would I have to move instead of being able to find one where I wanted?

    That comment devolved quickly into self-pity, but it started off as an attempt to say that, although no one can ever completely understand your exact situation, I’ve been there, I am there, I basically live there. I know how easily one seemingly innocent comment or look can send you spiraling. It sucks, I know it does. But it passes and you’ll feel better. Silly as it might sound, I make an effort to meet my own eyes (in a mirror, obvs) and say a nice thing to myself once a day because studies show self-talk can legit improve your mental health/self-image. I’m hoping if I force myself to do it often enough, it will become second nature. And if it helps to start you off, there are tons of people – this gal included – who think you are pretty damn awesome.

    P.S. Someday, when I FINALLY get a job in the region I want – which is the same as your region and will totally happen because I am also awesome, take that self-doubt! – we will so be hanging all the damn time. How much of the time? All of it!

    • Yes! I was one of the lucky ones that got a job right away, but now I’m stuck with the panic of what if I lose this job?? Can I get another one? Now we have a MORTGAGE. Maybe I could get a *better* job…but if I start trying to get one, what if I find out no one else wants to hire me?? AND THEN I GET FIRED.

      I need to start trying to have Ladies’ Nights again…

  3. I also wish we could get email alerts about other comments! I keep forgetting to check back here, and which post was it, etc……

    • Boo! I didn’t realize that wasn’t an option. I get notifications in my admin thingy so I never thought about you guys not getting anything… :( I’ve tried a few different comment plugins, but some of them *I* don’t get notified if you comment! I’ll continue on my quest to find a solution.

    • Email alerts are now a thing! You’d know that if they had existed before and you were notified when I posted this!! But then I wouldn’t have needed to post this, and you wouldn’t have left that comment, and none of this would have happened!! How boring THAT would have been…

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