Optometrist

Update: I apologize for this most grievous error! I didn’t mention that Little Hippo recommended this optometrist to me. I’M SO SORRY, LITTLE HIPPO!!

Went to the optometrist yesterday. Got my ‘scripts. I’M BLIND! No one is surprised. He said “You’re actually not too high above the average prescription.” and I said “Well I feel bad for the average person, then.” I’m hiLARious!

Anywho, it has been a hot minute since I visited the good ol’ eye doc. And the one I went to was from my hometown – Podunk, USA. (No, that isn’t a real place.) (Well, it might be, but it’s not my hometown.) So this place was fancy. Let’s see…

First, when I made the appointment, the woman called me “honey bunny”. >.< Other than that the receptionists were kind of rude. I can’t point out anything in particular, but it just felt…off. They were really short with people and not very explanatory. Apparently they aren’t covered under my insurance. Even though I found them on my insurance company’s website under “if you go here, we got your back”. But other than that I had a lovely experience. The nurse or whatever was super friendly.

What happened first? They took pictures of me eyeballs!

Me eyeballs!And then we did the spoon over the eye bit, testing for colorblindness. Then they did this cool 3D test that I don’t think I’d ever done before. So that was fun. I can see in 3D! Then she took me in this other room with two more machines – one had this image I had to focus on and then suddenly blue light circles! Something about testing my eyes’ response to light? And then the glaucoma test where they blow air on your eyes. Fun fact: No one had ever done that to me before. I COULD HAVE DIED FROM GLAUCOMA AND NO ONE WOULD KNOW. Or something.

Everything they had was electronic, so the final machine was calibrated just for me. Let me tell you – FANCY. The doctor was fairly young and has worse eye sight than I do. So we insulted all those see-ers that talk about how blind they are when we would murder them and scoop out their eyes to replace our own to have such good vision. Wait, no. That didn’t happen quite that way. I’m going to pretend it did, though. It amuses me. My old doctor just had the letters up on the board and was all “1 or 2?” “1….or 2?” “Any better?” “Any better?” “Aaaaaany better?” But this one was all circles and numbers and red or green, left or right, top or bottom…it was pretty snazzy. Then he told me that with the help of my prescription I have better than 20/20 vision! Which…is honestly kind of depressing. Because I had all these dreams of getting LASIK and it blowing my mind. Don’t get me wrong – still want it. And it would be AMAZING to wake up and just…be able to see. I mean – come on! If you can still function without glasses/contacts you do not know. You do. not. know.

Anyway, after all that he took me into a room and BAM! I had contacts. Blew my mind. My previous doctor didn’t have enough customers to do crazy stuff like have a billion contacts in stock. We had to wait for weeks before they came in the mail. And I walked out with brand new contacts!! Magical. But the problem is…I purposefully wore my glasses so I could get them refit. If you have contacts on you can’t see when you put glasses on. In case you didn’t know that. So I took them out and asked old dude to fix them. He messed around with them a bit, then gave them to me to put on. I, of course, could see nothing. So I asked him and he was like “Yup!” and I said “Thanks!” and left. Got home, took out contacts, put on glasses. dafuq? I can’t quite figure out what is wrong…but something is wrong. I think he may have…no, I have no idea. Something got bent wrong. So I ordered new glasses!

Even though I had to get the next to most expensive lenses (THANKS, Obama!), and I got the best scratch-resistant coating, AND I got clip-on sunglasses (so sexy, I know). Even though I got all that…it was only $66. AFTER S&H. Blamo! Also, they’re red. 8}


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