GTA V, Part 1

I mentioned to Mr. T at some point that I had always wanted to play a Grand Theft Auto game, but had never gotten one. So he got me GTA V for Christmas! Such a nice man, that Mr. T. Anyway, on Christmas Day we got up and opened our stockings to each other. I got him some small tools and a couple of toys. He got me underwear and GTA 5. Oh, and some candy. We have a romance for the ages. We were planning on meeting his grandmother for lunch around 1:30, so I had all sorts of time to get my game on! I even posted this picture on FB at 8:30:

GTA V, Part 1 | The Wilson BuzzThe game starts up with three guys in the snow, running around… (Oh, btw, you know these posts are always rambling, nonsensical spoilers, right?) Honestly, I don’t remember much. Shoot some enemies (you know – cops), some people on our side get shot, everyone’s in a panic (oh, wait – that was just me), and then the scene is over and you go to a cut scene 10 years later. Dude’s now seeing a psychiatrist, complaining about his useless son…blah blah blah – end of cut scene the game freezes.

Balls.

Turn the system off and back on, game starts up again at the cut scene…freezes at the end. TO GOOGLE. Delete the game install, reinstall, start the game…freezes. Son of a… Anyway, you get the picture. The game is straight busted. And it’s Christmas. And we’re going out of town for four days. And then we both have to go back to work as soon as we get back into town.

Fast-forward to NYE.

I’m taking Mr. T to work, so we don’t end up with two cars on The Square at the end of the night (we were planning on drinking that night and getting a cab home, instead I just picked Mr. T up and we drank wine at home – alone #GloriousDay). Take it back to GameStop, where they had just sold the last copy. I have to take him to work, then go to the other GameStop. Victory at last! Hopefully. (Yes, victory.)


So there’s a lot of backstory you didn’t ask for or care about! On to the actual game!!

Like I said, you start off with dude that I’m assuming is part of the previous game(s). But after the cut scene you’re this young black man, stealing a car. Oh, no – wait. You’re repo-ing the car. Oh, and let me just say…I am NOT mean enough to play this game. The black guy – Franklin – is friends with this stupid mofo…Lamar? Who just causes him to make all sorts of poor life choices. I’m like “Dude, why are you listening to this fool! This is a mistake!!” If I had my way, Franklin would end up in college by the end of the game. >.< What’s so bizarre is how Franklin is like “You dumb, (n-word), this gonna get us killed and/or imprisoned.” AND THEN HE DOES IT ANYWAY. Fine – if you’re going to kill people all willy-nilly you do you, brah. BUT DON’T POINT OUT THE STUPIDITY OF YOUR ACTIONS BEFORE YOU DO THEM.

Anyway, you play as Franklin for awhile and then finally it starts to tie in, because suddenly the dude from the beginning has pulled a gun on you because you repo’d his son’s car and then I realize the entire dealership is just a scam (I’m seriously too nice of a person for this game – and I don’t think I’m all that nice). Now I’m playing as the first guy – Michael – and that’s when I stumbled across a movie theater. But not before I drove a cab for awhile to make some $$. Seriously…the most bizarre things happen in this game. Anyway, I got to watch one of the MOST bizarre films I’ve ever seen. I was telling Mr. T all about the game and got to the movie part and he started trying to get more info on it and I was like “Look…I can’t explain it, alright?” He didn’t believe me until I accidentally watched it AGAIN. Ugh.

(You’re welcome.)

It was on my second gaming session when I actually started to get a little mean (with encouragement from Mr. T). I punched a woman right before I went in to the movie. lol! #SoNaughty But it totally killed her. She was still lying outside the theater we I came back out. And then an ambulance showed up. I was just standing there, watching it, and Mr. T was like “Why don’t you steal the ambulance??” For real – it never would’ve crossed my mind. But I did, and then there was a chase. Let me say – the police chases are one of the main reasons I don’t go crazy and murder everyone. I’m not the best driver. 8P

A few things I didn’t expect… At one point when I was playing as Michael I saw a strange symbol on my map I’d never seen before… And I ended up playing tennis for like 30 minutes. It was one of the more bizarre experiences of the game. I expected strippers and murder. I didn’t expect tennis. And it’s legit tennis, too. I had to Google how long a tennis match is. FYI: long. But that prepared me at least for when I stumbled across a golf course as Franklin and played a full 9 holes of golf (2 over par, thankyouverymuch). I kicked the NPC’s butt in tennis, too, for the record. Which I was really proud of until I remembered you set the difficulty at the beginning of the match and I picked “easy”. Ah, well. I needed a confidence booster.

So far my biggest “dafuq?” moment was when I was playing at Michael and came across a man trying to legalize weed. He had me take a hit and suddenly aliens. Soooo many aliens. I died a lot. Actually, I just die a lot in general. Things got a bit better when I re-learned that L2 locks the aim onto enemies. And the game pretty much relies on that 100% for shooting purposes. Because the little indicator on the screen telling you where you’re aiming is the world’s tiniest white dot. So tiny. So useless. So difficult when you forget about L2.

Another impossible thing: shooting while driving. Sweet Jesus… You steer with L, but aim with R… R2 is gas, L1 is shooting… I CANNOT MULTITASK, PEOPLE. Eventually you start playing as this crazy guy – Trevor – and he likes killing everyone. EVERYONE. I probably killed more people in the short time I played as him than I did the hours I was the other two guys. (Again, because I’m a pansy and don’t kill people without the game making me. What if they have families?!) Anyway – he (Trevor) is in a pickup with a dude in the back, and they’re chasing down bikers that I have to shoot, while avoiding a van, without dumping the guy out the back. IMPOSSIBLE. I’m so glad people aren’t watching me play this thing, because it’s a disaster. I ran off the road a lot. This game is for real going to be twice as long as it should be, because I have to attempt each mission at least 500 times. At least.

The one thing Mr. T and Smithy got to watch was me trying to fly a plane. I know I’ve used this word a lot in this (far too long) post, but let me say it again – impossible. I got a mild cause of motion sickness, too. The controls are VERY sensitive when flying. And even once you get that sorted, you have to land. My God – landing… I even let Mr. T try a few times. Because once you get flying down it becomes pretty flipping tedious, since it takes a couple minutes to get from the restart point to the airfield, only to crash in a blaze of glory because landing IS IMPOSSIBLE. The best I ever did, my landing gear got snagged on a fence THAT DOESN’T LOAD UNTIL YOU’RE ABOUT TWO FEET AWAY. I can’t fully express the rage I felt, since I’ve over-used my caps-lock already. I. was. enraged. At any rate, Mr. T finally landed the plane (by some miracle), even though it ended up hugging a water tower. It was pretty amazing. The wing snagged it, but he was going slow enough that the plane just kind of circled around and stopped. Imagine someone ice skating and grabbing onto another person to spin/stop.

AND THEN WE HAD TO DRIVE IT INTO A HANGER.

Once I had it parked the game was like “Oh, btw – you can now buy buildings, and if you buy this one you can fly lots and lots!” I just laughed maniacally and left.

So far I have driven (poorly): cars, ATVs, motorcycles, planes, jet skis, and my personal favorite: a scooter. Franklin drove the scooter to play golf! He lost ALL his “gangsta” cred in a matter of minutes. You’re welcome. He should be enrolling in college soon.

GTA V, Part 1 | The Wilson BuzzOh I didn’t even mention the dog! Apparently you can download an app on your phone to train him! And the strippers!! (You can’t train strippers…at least I don’t think you can…) I spent far, far too long getting lap dances in an attempt to get the strippers to “like” me, just to see what would happen. Apparently you can ask to go home with them. But both the ones I felt up for half an hour won’t go home with someone, even if their “like” meter is all full up. Son of a bee sting…


Tell me how you REALLY feel: