Everything Is Terrible and Life Is Hard

Posted on

everything sucksMy therapist said that depression’s goal is to grow. You feel depressed so you stay in bed, then you end up more depressed and stay in bed even more. I think it was supposed to motivate me to avoid the pitfalls, but all it’s done is made me feel more guilty for going to bed at 9:00 instead of doing the dishes or cleaning the living room or any of the million other things I should do. Work out. I’m glad I’m seeing a therapist, though. Finally. I’ve needed one for months – years – probably. I just wish it wasn’t happening now. I really thought things were getting better but I was definitely off on that one. Dude, I even decided to blow my $50 Amazon gift card and couldn’t keep focus.

Anywho, bedtime!

Blogging Killed the Journaling Star?

Posted on

I got my first journal when I was 13. My sister bought it for me for my birthday. (Thanks, Sister!) I journaled religiously for seven years, getting a new journal on my birthday every year. Right around the time I started dating Mr. T I pretty much stopped entirely. WHICH REALLY SUCKS. I have no record of basically our entire relationship! Which is the Best Relationship! I always blamed this on the majesty of True Love – I was so busy with my soulmate that I didn’t have time to journal. ;) Of course, I also developed a social life (thanks, CS guys, for being my frand!) and…I’m pretty sure that’s when I started a blog. >.> So, blame whoever you want but I haven’t kept a journal for nearly a decade (old af). I’ve started another one, though! I’m really hoping to get back into it. Even though reading back over the things that I wrote as a teenager has caused me to experience physical pain (seriously, how did I ever make any friends??) it’s nice to get a glimpse of the person I used to be. No matter how terrible she was. -.- It is a bit depressing to see the dysfunctional aspects of my personality and realize that they’re still very much present. It’s also SUPER depressing to read about meeting (and even dating) people that really f*cked me up over time.

The last journal I really kept was the year I was dating the douchebag I dated before Mr. T. Apparently he read it, and would get pissed if I didn’t talk about him enough. So literally EVERY SINGLE POST has “I love my boyfriend so much!” in it. He also didn’t want me to have any male friends, and one night when a classmate slept on the couch in my apartment because we’d stayed up all night studying he told me to be sure to lock my door (projecting much?). I also distinctly remember (even though I didn’t write about it) when he discovered I had started dating Mr. T he messaged me (this was before I totally blocked him out of my life) that he told me Mr. T was untrustworthy…he knows this, because there was “a look in his eyes”. He told me that it was extremely likely that he would cheat on me one day. I didn’t want to have sex before marriage and he basically said that he would probably “slip up” one night (um…rape??). After we broke up he “found Jesus” in an attempt to win me back – going so far as to get baptized at the church I drug him to every weekend for over a year.

Oh God – this wasn’t supposed to be a rant about terrible exes. It’s supposed to be a rant about not journaling. But, yeah. After reading about my relationship with him, my relationship with my other exes, some interactions I had with my parents, and just…seeing how my mind worked as a teenager…I’m really glad I’ve scheduled an appointment with a therapist this week. I’m 5 kinds of dysfunctional, you guys. I’m pretty sure the only person I’ve ever been 100% myself around is Mr. T…and sometimes “myself” is kind of a terrible human being. :\

ANYWAY. Considering the closest thing to a “journal” I’ve kept the past 9 years is this blog, and my Blogger blog before this one, I’m going to research ways to possibly export them into Word or PDF documents, so I can download and print them. Is that insane? It’s probably insane. idgaf

(Do you know how to export massive amounts of blog content? I’m gonna Google it, of course, but I like to ask anyway.)

(Also, if I still knew my Xanga URLs…omg, that would be GOLD. Thank God I don’t.)

29 Tune-Up

Posted on

I swear, all I’m missing is a visit to my OB/GYN! (which, actually, I’m probably past-due on…)

I got a pedicure with my sister on Friday. I got a hair cut yesterday. Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment. Thursday I’m going to the chiropractor for a massage and an adjustment. And I’m doing yoga on Sunday! Oh, and I’m seeing a therapist next Thursday. Therapy Thursday! lolol

I started trying to do a 30 Day Arm Workout, but my body seriously revolted. I feel like I’ve written about this? I got shingles, then ended up in the ER, then got a sinus/ear infection? And before you comment, yes – I know doing 5 push-ups didn’t cause shingles, but still. Some people wear the same t-shirt to watch their favorite team’s games…I’m a bit terrified that if I work out again I’ll end up in a coma. But! I’m thinking August 1 is gonna be a good reboot. Fingers crossed I don’t die. ;)

Another fun thing I’m *attempting* to do…take a French class in the fall! I’m going to audit it, anyway. So that’s cool. Go me!

My Birthday!!

Posted on

I turn TWENTY-NINE tomorrow. That’s older than I’ve ever been before! I have to work a full day, because I’m an adult and life is lame, but Mr. T has taken the entire day off AND we have overnight sitters for LBW! Bama Llama – his godmothers. :) Theoretical schedule of events:

Friday, July 21

7:30 – Drop LBW off at daycare.
8:00 – Arrive at work.
12:00 – Lunch at B. McNeel’s
4:30 – FREEDOM!!
5:00 – Pick LBW from daycare.
5:30 – Drop LBW off at Bama Llama’s house.
6:00 – Have ice cream with Mr. T.
6:15 – Get pedicure with my sister (right next to ice cream shop).
7:00 – Go to Old Time Pottery with Mr. T – buy plates. #adulting
7:30 – Dinner at Slim Chickens (I have a coupon!)
8:55 – Watch The Big Sick with Mr. T.
11:00 – Clean the house like a madwoman…eventually collapse, exhausted into bed.

Saturday, July 22

9:00 – Meet Bama Llama at the Farmers Market to pick LBW back up and buy supplies.
10:00 – Please for the love of Moses make it home in time for LBW to get a good nap in.
1:00 – Head back out to the grocery store to finish getting supplies.
2:00 – Spend all afternoon straight chillin’ with LBW, avoiding contact with the outside air as much as possible.
8:00 – LBW is in bed – CLEAN LIKE A MADWOMAN.

Sunday, July 23

8:00 – Get to sleep in until 8:00 while Mr. T hangs with LBW.
9:20 – Head to church – separate cars.
11:00 – Mr. T heads home, while I stay at church to work in the nursery.
12:00 – Return home, prepare like crazy.
3:00 – Wine consultant and LBW’s babysitter (two separate people) arrive.
3:30 – Guests start arriving.
4:00 – Wine tasting, bitches! (Why I’m cleaning and supply-purchasing all weekend.)
6:00 – Potluck dinner with friends for my birthday. <3
8:00 – LBW goes to bed.
8:05 – Collapse in bed, utterly exhausted.

Monday, July 24

omg, what – WORK?! Uggggggh.

Well, shit…

Posted on

Sorry, that’s not very nice language.

2016 really has been a cf, though, hasn’t it? I mean, Donald Trump is our President-Elect – wtf, America?!

The icing on the cake is that my company – the company that on Thursday I was telling my coworker I was so relieved to work for, because it was a stable and reliable company that I knew was never, ever going anywhere – that company…was sold. To a company based in FRIGGEN OHIO. They announced it on Friday. (Please note the timing – less than 24 hours after I proclaimed that we were a solid, stable company…we were sold.) For the average employee, this purchase won’t have a huge effect. But for those of us at the corporate office…well, we’re getting information about our severance packages this week. They’ve made sure to inform us that no one is losing their jobs for most likely the next year, but…we’re gonna lose our jobs eventually. I’ve had indigestion ever since. I mean, maybe – maybe – they’ll offer us similar jobs. But will those jobs be based in TN? Um, no. They’ll be in FRIGGEN OHIO. You think Mr. T is gonna move to Ohio?! lololol (Do you think I would move to Ohio?? No. No, I would not.)

So, yeah…there will be some changes in the upcoming year, I do reckon. Some changes, indeed.


Posted on

I had a dream last night that my grandparents got to meet Wade. The entire family was at their house in Spring City. It was a beautiful sun-shiny summer day – the light was streaming in through the windows like whoa. Papaw was playing with Wade while Mom talked to Mamaw on the couch. I wanted to get a video but I didn’t want them to see me crying.

I’m tearing up now just thinking about it, lol! I woke up thinking that that must be what Heaven is like – bright and beautiful, surrounded by all your loved ones…

And then I felt guilty because it was just my mom’s parents and not my dad’s. Why were they left out, subconscious?? And then I started panicking because what if Wade had died? He has started sleeping on his stomach, and that study did just come out about how they shouldn’t do that before the age of one… *rushes to check baby monitor* And then of course I started thinking about how my parents are now the grandparents and one day they will die, and omg I really should call them.

It really was a great dream, even if reality kind of ruined it. >.<

Product Review: Peter Pan #SnackWithSimply

Posted on

Just an FYI, I got Peter Pan® Simply Ground™ fo’ FREE through Influenster, in exchange for an honest review. If you want to give it a try, there is a limited supply of $1 off coupons you can download from the Peter Pan website.

I just had a sudden flashback.

My family used to camp at Harrison Bay every summer. Right about the time I really started to be able to form memories our family got too large and it was too complicated to try to organize trips like that, so we stopped. Which basically means there are pictures of me at Harrison Bay, but heck if I remember much about it. But! I’ve now had two sudden flashbacks. Yes, I had one in the middle of typing that last sentence. Because my brain is weird and irrational.

Memory #1: I stepped on a piece of glass and cut my foot pretty hardcore. You don’t care about that one so much. Memory #2: I saw my cousin eating peanut butter with a spoon. A SPOON. Straight out of the jar! Why I had never done that, I do not know. But it blew my fragile little mind. You probably don’t care about that too much, either. Do you eat peanut butter straight? I never really have. I’ll dip stuff in it, or make stuff with it. Anyway, not the point.

Product Review: Peter Pan #SnackWithSimply | The Wilson BuzzSo the Simply Ground line from Peter Pan (I got honey-roasted) is new. It’s not quite creamy, but not quite crunchy, either. They say it’s easier to spread on bread (RHYMING), but I haven’t tested that statement. They also say the jar’s the right size/shape for dipping, and I did test that. It’s true! It’s a pretty shallow container, so you don’t have to worry about having to stick your hand down into the abyss. And it’s got a really wide top, so people with man hands can snack with ease. I also really dig the taste. I’ve been known to make peanut butter and honey sandwiches. Another good one – peanut butter and maple syrup. That tip’s on me. You’re welcome.

What’s that? You want a series of pictures documenting my first taste? WELL IF YOU INSIST.

Product Review: Peter Pan #SnackWithSimply | The Wilson Buzz Product Review: Peter Pan #SnackWithSimply | The Wilson Buzz
Product Review: Peter Pan #SnackWithSimply | The Wilson Buzz Product Review: Peter Pan #SnackWithSimply | The Wilson Buzz

I approve!

Like I said, I’m not big on eating peanut butter straight out of the jar – even though this was pretty tasty. I knew they said it was a good “snacking” PB, so I looked around Kroger for something easy to dip in it while at work.

Side note: Work snacks are the best snacks. A little blip of sunlight in an otherwise bleak day… ;) I’m being melodramatic because I’ve had a long week at work. TGIF, y’all. T.G.I.F.

Anyway, another flashback for you: a treat my mom would make that I haven’t had in AGES and now really wish I had fully prepped for was PB spread across graham crackers, with some mini marshmallows on top. Pop it in the microwave for a couple seconds and omg…heaven. I didn’t do all that (much regret now), but I did get some graham cracker “stix” from Kroger. AND I discovered another awesome feature of the container – tiny snack bowl!! Feel free to share that tip, Peter Pan. I’m quite proud of it.

Product Review: Peter Pan #SnackWithSimply | The Wilson BuzzAnywho, Peter Pan® Simply Ground™ is delicious and you should try it.

Thanks, Influenster! Thanks Peter Pan!


Posted on

Just checking in with a blog post that isn’t me failing at some personal life goal. ;)

Mainly I want to say that I’m really really freaking tired this week. SO TIRED. I blame LBW but it’s probably my own fault. For real, though, I think I’m gonna take a nap after work today. I really need to do the dishes. Maybe after the nap. Actually, I might go sit in my car on my lunch break. It’s supposed to be like 60-something degrees today. Which is nutso. I remember talking to someone around the end of fall/start of winter when we were having a warm day. I said something like “The next time it’s this warm, I’ll probably have a baby!” NOPE. Well, hopefully not. LBW still needs to percolate a few more weeks, please and thank you. I didn’t even wear a coat today. Just a long-sleeve shirt. I wouldn’t even call it a sweater, really. Part of that is because I get hot as balls these days. My hands and feet sweat like it’s going out of style. I for real have to take my shoes off. And I pray no one wants to shake my hand or touch something I recently touched. “Shh, no…give that time to dry off a second…” Oh oh oh, and twice this week a coworker has commented that I’m moving more slowly than normal. One was my boss!! >.> Someone came up looking for me and he said “She just went that way. But if you hurry you can probably catch up with her – she’s not moving so fast anymore.” DUDE’S GOT JOKES. The other was a woman from another department. She walked by me and I think you can just see how tired I am right now, because she kind of did a double-take and was like “Well you’re getting around slower now, aren’t you?!” Haha, yes. I’ve also noticed that I have NO patience anymore. People talk to me and I’m just like stfu and gtfo. It’s not good on a personal or professional level. I’m SURE having a newborn will put me in a better state of mind. I’m sure of it! I have started a little freezer section of food for post-baby. I think we’re slowly getting prepared. And then all of a sudden we’ll have a TON of stuff, thanks to the baby shower tomorrow. TOMORROW. omg it’s tomorrow. I’m also going to get my eyebrows waxed and do early voting for the primaries. Which I have never done before. #feelthebern I need to take a bath, too. I haven’t shaved my legs in ages, and the dress I’m wearing tomorrow stops at the knees. I think I’ll have better luck reaching at least parts of my legs if I’m in the tub rather than the shower. But I might also get stuck in the tub… I should probably wait until after Mr. T gets home from work to embark on that adventure. Or time it just right so he can help me out of the tub… So tonight the plan is: nap, dishes, cook dinner, eat dinner, bath, help from husband to get out of bath, bed. If you haven’t noticed this post has turned into a rambling stream-of-consciousness post. It’s because I’m tired. I’m not sure I’ve mentioned that little factoid yet. ;) Someone crashed their car into my chiropractor’s office. A couple people had minor injuries, but one had to be flown out. So that’s kind of scary. It just happened yesterday afternoon and I haven’t seen any updates other than the initial report that it had happened. I really hope everyone’s okay. :( And I really hope they get the office back up and operational again soon, because this pregnant lady needs her back cracked!! We have our first birthing class on Sunday. I’m pretty excited about it. It’s going to be one-on-one with the instructor rather than a class with other pregnant couples, so I’m curious to see how that plays out. I was kind of looking forward to getting to meet other pregnant ladies, but after our bizarre L&D tour last month maybe I don’t care to interact with any of them after all. ;) Plus this way it’s a little more personal and might help us participate more. We’ve only got two classes, but each one will run three hours. We’re meeting up with the instructor this Sunday and next Sunday. And then we’ll be pros and totally 100% prepared for labor at any moment!! At some point in March we’re also doing breastfeeding and newborn care classes. I think with the same person? Maybe? Oh, right – that’s supposed to happen on like March 20 which is like 10 days before my due date…so those plans may fall through. Or we may show up to class WITH a newborn to practice on. lol! I also have to pee all the @#*! time…and my feet have started to swell. My vet actually commented on my cankles when I took Chairman in last week!! I do not have cankles, ma’am!! She’s an old friend of my sister’s so I don’t hate her too much. But anyone else try to tell me I have cankles… >.> I’ve also developed some smexy stretch marks, let me tell YOU. They’re all under my bump, so I can’t see them unless I’m looking at a mirror. I can’t really see anything under my bump…if you know what I’m saying. Honestly, I’m not even sure what I’m saying at this point. But I really have to pee. – Okay, I peed. I really feel like I should wrap this up, but at the same time I never want it to end. I just love you so much… And don’t worry, I haven’t sat here and just word-vomited all this out in one go. It’s been up and active for probably a couple hours at this point. I just pop over any time I think of something important to tell you. But, alas, I think our time has come to an end. I’ll leave you with some photos from our maternity shoot earlier this month:

Maternity Shoot | The Wilson Buzz Maternity Shoot | The Wilson Buzz Maternity Shoot | The Wilson Buzz Maternity Shoot | The Wilson Buzz

SleepBot, Week 1

Posted on

So I’ve been using my new SleepBot app for about a week now.SleepBot 02/06/16 | The Wilson Buzz

Feb 6 – The first night I forgot to turn on the movement tracking. Oops.

SleepBot 02/07/16 | The Wilson BuzzFeb 7 – This was one of the first nights my acid reflux really hit me…as you can see from my note. lol! I’m not really sure if you can tell the difference between when I rolled flailed over and when I actually got up to pee. But you can see how many times I woke up…freaking pregnancy.

SleepBot 02/08/16 | The Wilson BuzzFeb 8 – I actually got a pretty decent night’s sleep! You can see every time I hit snooze there at the end, though. lol!

SleepBot 02/09/16 | The Wilson BuzzFeb 9 – I can’t remember if I bought the Tums on the 8 or the 9, but they made a huge difference. Look at that sleep!!

SleepBot 02/10/16 | The Wilson BuzzFeb 10 – This was nota good night. I took at nap around 7 which was a HUGE mistake. My reflux/heartburn got crazy bad – I ate about half my bottle of Tums that night with no relief. And then Chairman jumped up on the bed and put WET PAWS on my face. He may have gotten into the shower…but the only other source of water was the toilet, which I don’t flush at night because of how often I get up to pee. SO I COULD HAVE HAD PEE WATER ON MY FACE. That’s the area of excitement there in the middle. I also tried sleeping on the recliner, but didn’t doze off for very long…then I became very aware of the air vent blowing directly onto my face so I staggered back into the bedroom and got that hour or so of flatline sleep you see right at the end.

SleepBot 02/11/16 | The Wilson BuzzFeb 11 – I was very much exhausted yesterday thanks to my sleepless night the day before, so I passed out pretty hard.


So…yeah. I don’t really know what, if anything, I’m supposed to do with this data. And don’t worry – I won’t make a post like this every week. I bet it will get crazy exciting in April, though. lol!