Everything Is Terrible and Life Is Hard

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everything sucksMy therapist said that depression’s goal is to grow. You feel depressed so you stay in bed, then you end up more depressed and stay in bed even more. I think it was supposed to motivate me to avoid the pitfalls, but all it’s done is made me feel more guilty for going to bed at 9:00 instead of doing the dishes or cleaning the living room or any of the million other things I should do. Work out. I’m glad I’m seeing a therapist, though. Finally. I’ve needed one for months – years – probably. I just wish it wasn’t happening now. I really thought things were getting better but I was definitely off on that one. Dude, I even decided to blow my $50 Amazon gift card and couldn’t keep focus.

Anywho, bedtime!

Blogging Killed the Journaling Star?

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I got my first journal when I was 13. My sister bought it for me for my birthday. (Thanks, Sister!) I journaled religiously for seven years, getting a new journal on my birthday every year. Right around the time I started dating Mr. T I pretty much stopped entirely. WHICH REALLY SUCKS. I have no record of basically our entire relationship! Which is the Best Relationship! I always blamed this on the majesty of True Love – I was so busy with my soulmate that I didn’t have time to journal. ;) Of course, I also developed a social life (thanks, CS guys, for being my frand!) and…I’m pretty sure that’s when I started a blog. >.> So, blame whoever you want but I haven’t kept a journal for nearly a decade (old af). I’ve started another one, though! I’m really hoping to get back into it. Even though reading back over the things that I wrote as a teenager has caused me to experience physical pain (seriously, how did I ever make any friends??) it’s nice to get a glimpse of the person I used to be. No matter how terrible she was. -.- It is a bit depressing to see the dysfunctional aspects of my personality and realize that they’re still very much present. It’s also SUPER depressing to read about meeting (and even dating) people that really f*cked me up over time.

The last journal I really kept was the year I was dating the douchebag I dated before Mr. T. Apparently he read it, and would get pissed if I didn’t talk about him enough. So literally EVERY SINGLE POST has “I love my boyfriend so much!” in it. He also didn’t want me to have any male friends, and one night when a classmate slept on the couch in my apartment because we’d stayed up all night studying he told me to be sure to lock my door (projecting much?). I also distinctly remember (even though I didn’t write about it) when he discovered I had started dating Mr. T he messaged me (this was before I totally blocked him out of my life) that he told me Mr. T was untrustworthy…he knows this, because there was “a look in his eyes”. He told me that it was extremely likely that he would cheat on me one day. I didn’t want to have sex before marriage and he basically said that he would probably “slip up” one night (um…rape??). After we broke up he “found Jesus” in an attempt to win me back – going so far as to get baptized at the church I drug him to every weekend for over a year.

Oh God – this wasn’t supposed to be a rant about terrible exes. It’s supposed to be a rant about not journaling. But, yeah. After reading about my relationship with him, my relationship with my other exes, some interactions I had with my parents, and just…seeing how my mind worked as a teenager…I’m really glad I’ve scheduled an appointment with a therapist this week. I’m 5 kinds of dysfunctional, you guys. I’m pretty sure the only person I’ve ever been 100% myself around is Mr. T…and sometimes “myself” is kind of a terrible human being. :\

ANYWAY. Considering the closest thing to a “journal” I’ve kept the past 9 years is this blog, and my Blogger blog before this one, I’m going to research ways to possibly export them into Word or PDF documents, so I can download and print them. Is that insane? It’s probably insane. idgaf

(Do you know how to export massive amounts of blog content? I’m gonna Google it, of course, but I like to ask anyway.)

(Also, if I still knew my Xanga URLs…omg, that would be GOLD. Thank God I don’t.)

29 Tune-Up

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I swear, all I’m missing is a visit to my OB/GYN! (which, actually, I’m probably past-due on…)

I got a pedicure with my sister on Friday. I got a hair cut yesterday. Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment. Thursday I’m going to the chiropractor for a massage and an adjustment. And I’m doing yoga on Sunday! Oh, and I’m seeing a therapist next Thursday. Therapy Thursday! lolol

I started trying to do a 30 Day Arm Workout, but my body seriously revolted. I feel like I’ve written about this? I got shingles, then ended up in the ER, then got a sinus/ear infection? And before you comment, yes – I know doing 5 push-ups didn’t cause shingles, but still. Some people wear the same t-shirt to watch their favorite team’s games…I’m a bit terrified that if I work out again I’ll end up in a coma. But! I’m thinking August 1 is gonna be a good reboot. Fingers crossed I don’t die. ;)

Another fun thing I’m *attempting* to do…take a French class in the fall! I’m going to audit it, anyway. So that’s cool. Go me!

My Birthday!!

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I turn TWENTY-NINE tomorrow. That’s older than I’ve ever been before! I have to work a full day, because I’m an adult and life is lame, but Mr. T has taken the entire day off AND we have overnight sitters for LBW! Bama Llama – his godmothers. :) Theoretical schedule of events:

Friday, July 21

7:30 – Drop LBW off at daycare.
8:00 – Arrive at work.
12:00 – Lunch at B. McNeel’s
4:30 – FREEDOM!!
5:00 – Pick LBW from daycare.
5:30 – Drop LBW off at Bama Llama’s house.
6:00 – Have ice cream with Mr. T.
6:15 – Get pedicure with my sister (right next to ice cream shop).
7:00 – Go to Old Time Pottery with Mr. T – buy plates. #adulting
7:30 – Dinner at Slim Chickens (I have a coupon!)
8:55 – Watch The Big Sick with Mr. T.
11:00 – Clean the house like a madwoman…eventually collapse, exhausted into bed.

Saturday, July 22

9:00 – Meet Bama Llama at the Farmers Market to pick LBW back up and buy supplies.
10:00 – Please for the love of Moses make it home in time for LBW to get a good nap in.
1:00 – Head back out to the grocery store to finish getting supplies.
2:00 – Spend all afternoon straight chillin’ with LBW, avoiding contact with the outside air as much as possible.
8:00 – LBW is in bed – CLEAN LIKE A MADWOMAN.

Sunday, July 23

8:00 – Get to sleep in until 8:00 while Mr. T hangs with LBW.
9:20 – Head to church – separate cars.
11:00 – Mr. T heads home, while I stay at church to work in the nursery.
12:00 – Return home, prepare like crazy.
3:00 – Wine consultant and LBW’s babysitter (two separate people) arrive.
3:30 – Guests start arriving.
4:00 – Wine tasting, bitches! (Why I’m cleaning and supply-purchasing all weekend.)
6:00 – Potluck dinner with friends for my birthday. <3
8:00 – LBW goes to bed.
8:05 – Collapse in bed, utterly exhausted.

Monday, July 24

omg, what – WORK?! Uggggggh.

30 Before 30 – 29 Looms

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I turn 29 on Friday. That means I’ve got less than 400 days to finish my list!

1. Have a kid.

We successfully gave birth to Wade, aka LBW, in April 2016. Huzzah!

2. Complete several home renovation projects.

  1. reading nook
    • We went so far as to get the walls painted, but then life happened and since it is technically a closet, a bunch of junk got throw into it and we’re back at Square 1. Well, maybe Square 1.5, since the walls are still painted (but have been dinged up, sadly).
  2. replace floors
    • This one is so close to being done!! We only have one little patch of carpet – the stairs and the landing. Maybe 2018 will be our year. Maybe even 2017!
  3. nursery
    • Honestly…I’m going to call this one done. Wade’s been sleeping in there for over a year, for crying out loud! Yes, there are some art projects I want to do, and we haven’t hung anything up on the walls, and the paint needs to be touched up, and… Well, anyway. It’s done enough. Nothing in life is ever perfect or complete.
  4. bedroom
    • There are only a few things I’d like to finish out in the bedroom. And it really shouldn’t be that hard to do them. SO WHY HAVEN’T WE?! Maybe because it’s a total garbage pile right now and forever.
  5. living room
    • Other than getting some art hung up behind the couch, I’d say the living room is in pretty decent shape, all things considered.

3. Organize a cookbook with 20 recipes.

Okay. Do y’all have any cookbook recommendations? What should I do? Should I get a binder and type/print them as I go along? Should I try to do it all digitally? Should I write them by hand in some kind of journal-type device?? I just need to do something so I can mark this off!

4. Start to work out regularly.

I started trying to do this “30 Days of Exercise” thing and proceeded to get shingles, pass out and end up in the ER, then get a nasty sinus/ear infection. No, none of thse can directly be attributed to exercise, but still.

5. Travel outside the US.

Wait. I think I have an idea. And this idea could check off multiple items on my list! Specifically numbers 5, 8, 14, and 18. See #14 for more details.

6. Be debt free and start investing.

I cross, then uncross, this one repeatedly. I wrecked my car so we have a car payment. And we had medical bills. But! I think we’ve got all the medical bills paid off, and now that I’ve lost my job (with a severance, thankfully!) I’ll be able to use that extra income to pay down on my car. We might just get it paid off by my 30th birthday! AND, since my 401(k) won’t transfer, our financial adviser is going to help us move that into some sort of investment something. idk

7. Buy a new car.

I love my Insight. I wish I didn’t have a car payment, but I still love my Insight!

8. Buy a camper.

Of course, if we do this we’ll just be in debt again I’m sure. This seemed so plausible 4 years ago…but now I’m thinking it’s not gonna happen. *womp, womp*

9. Create our own home decor.

This one was always vague and weird, so I finally just crossed it off because we’re too cheap to pay people to do stuff and have a billion half-finished DIY projects around the house. Both art/decorative pieces and more building/construction dealios. So, yeah. We’ve created stuff. Or at least started creating stuff and left it lying about gathering dust.

10. Watch all of The Office on Netflix.

This was a weird one, but whatever. I was 25 and had weird goals. I love the show, don’t get me wrong. It’s just kind of a random thing to have on a “30 Before 30” list, in my opinion. I did do it, and I did enjoy it. I might just watch it all again before I turn 30!

11. Develop custom websites.

Mom & Dad’s website got jacked up from hackers or something, so I trashed the WordPress site and made them a super basic and ugly one using Bootstrap. But that’s good enough. I’m marking this one off the list!

12. Learn to sew.

I’m so close to this one!! Mr. T needs to seal the desk, then I can pull out the sewing machine he bought me like TWO YEARS AGO and I can finally sew Wade a baby blanket!

13. Read 400 books.

This was to read 400 books between January 2013 and December 2018.

  • 2013: 85
  • 2014: 95
  • 2015: 52
  • 2016: 12
  • 2017: 89 (and still counting!)

So all-told I’ve read 333. Only 67 to go!

14. Get a full sleeve tattoo.

Okay, so. I want to travel to Montreal and get tattooed by Yann Black. I’ve known about him for years now and always wanted to get one of his tattoos. I emailed him and he responded. He told me that he’s already booked for this year, but I could email him back in October to schedule an appointment for next year. >.> lol! But I’m totally going to! It will most likely be after my 30th birthday, though. We’ve got Camp Throwback in June, then the family camping trip in July…maybe we can go in August for our anniversary? My thought is, we can drive there in an RV so that covers the cross-country road trip (kind of), owning an RV (we may rent), going into another country (it counts!), and getting a full sleeve tattoo!

15. Open Two-Tone Tattoo Parlor and secure a nest egg.

They actually just moved locations! Now Two-Tone is directly on The Square, which is just peachy keen if you ask me. He’s working on Apprentice #3 and I’m just stupid proud of Mr. T. Of course, with all the moving (and having of the baby) and just…life in general, he’s never been able to build up the nest egg he wanted. He got really really close once, though!

16. Bike 30 miles.

I’m still trying to decide if I’m going to do this all in one go, or just bike 30 miles in one year, or one month, or what. What do you think?

17. Find a new job.

I’ll be a web developer for MTSU next week!!

18. Go on a family road trip.

If all the stars magically align, we could possibly road trip up to Canada for my tattoo. But that’s a lot of stars that need to align. Also…should we take Wade? I’m not sure.

19. Have sex every day for a month.

We didn’t quite make it every day for a month, but I did manage to get knocked up, so I called it a win and crossed it off.

20. Ditch the roommates.

The only roommate we have is Wade and he’s not paying rent. The jerk.

21. Hang family photos in the living room.

I need to hang some photos up above our couch in the living room.

22. Go (more) green.

My goal with this is to cut out disposable stuff in the kitchen – napkins, paper towels, disposable plates/cups/flatware when guests come over, etc. I haven’t really done anything with it yet. Oops.

23. Make a family photo album every year.

I made one last year! I’m a bit behind this year, but it’s almost done!! I finished Wade’s baby book, too, and it’s adorable.

24. Grow hair out to shoulder-length.

I mean…it’s getting there! Surely I can get to my shoulders by the big three-oh.

25.  Experience at least one cultural event every year.

We did Bonnaroo three years in a row, then went to Pilgrimage Fest last year. I don’t know that we’ve done anything yet this year… I looked up shows at TPAC and Ascend Amphitheater but we never made any decisions on anything. Hmm…

26. Gallery wall in the stairwell.

First we need to get the stairwell and trim painted. Then we need to rip up the carpet and do something with the floors. Then we can hang something on the wall going up the stairs. No clue what…

27. Go on a date night to a nice restaurant.

We went to High Point as our first date post-baby and it was delicious.

28. Make something challenging.

I’m still trying to decide what I should do. What should I do? I want to BUILD something. Get my hands dirty. Break a sweat. Use a tool of some kind. lolol

29. Write a 40 Before 40 list.

I did this!

30. Have a BANGIN 30th birthday party.

This is a pretty significant birthday, y’all. I survived another decade! What should I do?

Spring Cleaning 2017 – Days 1 & 2

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Apartment Therapy (there is a reason they have the biggest font in my tags over in the right column…I’m constantly trying to use them for motivation)

Anyway, AT has come out with a “Spring Cleaning” thing where you get a 20min or less project every day – EVERY DAY. I’m already a day behind because I’ve put off opening their email, knowing that I would commit myself to something that I’ll most likely fail at…but today I finally opened it! And the project started yesterday. Oh, well. Day 1 is just wiping down the trash/recycling bins in your kitchen. And since we still haven’t bought a recycling bin, all that junk just kind of piles up everywhere there’s nothing to wipe down! And don’t worry, I’m not going to post pictures of my trash can on here. Not that I think it’s over-sharing, just that I think it’s boring and not worth the effort.

Day 2, however, is cleaning out your fridge and *shakes fist at sky* Curse you, Apartment Therapy!!!! – I hate cleaning out my fridge. I’ll do it, though. Mainly because my parents are coming up on Friday and I need to hide the beer I should probably tidy up somewhat. Again, I don’t really see the need to take pictures. There isn’t much in our fridge, so it won’t be a dramatic change. Although, we probably should keep more food stocked.

2017 – January, Weeks 3 & 4

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Check out the full month here.

Okay, so. everythingkindoffellapart

I mean, I didn’t totally fall off the wagon! I have gotten better about doing things, like keeping dishes out of the sink, and staying on top of laundry. I did finish cleaning/organizing my closet and the master bathroom, and have *so far* kept them clean! But the day-to-day stuff in my “Confident Mom” planner has fallen a bit to the wayside. Part of the problem is I started reading again. omg I love reading. I haven’t read – like REALLY read – in over a year, probably. It’s so good. I love it. But I only have like 2-3 hours in the evenings to do stuff I want to do. I can’t just sit and read for 30 minutes. I need a good hour (or three). I’ve also been screwing up my sleep because I want to finish the book, darnit, so I’m going to stay away another 30, 45, 60 minutes…

Anyway – after pictures!!

2017 – January, Weeks 3 & 4 | The Wilson Buzz 2017 – January, Weeks 3 & 4 | The Wilson BuzzIt is very satisfying to have a clean closet and bathroom. I’m still highly motivated to get the rest of the house done. I just…need to get over this reading high first. lol!

2017 January Cure: Assignment 11

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Invite a Friend (or Ten) In

Invite a friend or two (or ten) to your home on the weekend of February 3 – 5 (or whatever date is best for your schedule near the end of January or start of February). Decide on a guest list and get out the invite(s) now – a call, a text, an email, paper or electronic is fine, just make sure you do the inviting TODAY.

Psh, I have people over all the time, even if my house is rekt. We have people coming over tonight and I have a pile of – CLEAN! – laundry on our ottoman! Maybe Mr. T will do something with that at some point today… Anyway, point is – if you’re my friend you know what to expect when you come to my house. But! I did use this as motivation to do something that I’ve attempted off and on for…years.

2017 January Cure: Assignment 11 | The Wilson BuzzSo far I’ve had two people respond that they wanted to come…one lives in Oregon and one lives in Texas. I have entirely too many online friends. lolol

Oh, well. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, I still have friends coming over weekly to hang out regardless of the shape of my home. <3

Past Cures

2017 January Cure: Assignment 10

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Pick up some fresh flowers. / Clean your kitchen!

If you who feel that the exterior surfaces of your kitchen are already in pretty good shape, choose the “inside” track which will focus more on organization.

For those who feel that their kitchen could use some attention on the “outside” at this point, choose that track and focus more on cleaning.

Um, oops? The cold hit me hard this weekend, y’all. And not temperature cold – it was like 60-70 degrees all weekend, which is stupid for January. But a head cold. I could be dying. Anyway, I didn’t even think about AT or The Cure all weekend. My main focus was on making sure I kept breathing, since I haven’t been able to use my nose at all.

I have been trying to keep our kitchen more under control the past couple weeks – mainly keeping on top of the dirty dishes. I’ve done a decent job, imo. Not perfect, but decent. My daily checklist has stuff on it like “wipe down appliance surfaces” and “clean out microwave” so I’ve been kind of maintaining on that end as well. I’m gonna call it a “good enough” for this. And besides, a full kitchen overhaul is in my “organization” master plan way out in November. I’m sure great things will happen then. Great, great things. ;)

Oh! I did buy a plant, though!

2017 January Cure: Assignment 10 | The Wilson Buzz

Past Cures