A Morning in the Life

Twice in the past week someone has tried to give us another pet. I had to talk Mr. T down from a Siamese kitten his mom had found, and then talk myself down from a friend-of-a-friend who was giving away some type of dog my friend says is kind of like a lab, maybe. My reasoning behind another dog was – someone else Splinter can torment instead of just me all the time! Then I realized it could just as well turn Splinter into a bigger pain, or create TWO tormentors, instead of just one.

Let me tell you the tale of a usual morning for me:

  1. Wake up to the sound of Splinter’s whines coming from the kitchen. If he stays in his crate too long, he’s not afraid to pee out the front door of it. So I get up and let him out. Of course his crack dealer was able to sneak in in the middle of the night and give him a fresh supply, so he’s WIRED.
  2. After Splinter comes back in, I put him back in his crate and head back to the bedroom to try to get a couple more hours sleep.
  3. If I get back in bed without feeding her, Khat is all “Pardon me, madam, but I can’t help but notice you have awoken for the day. Would be so kind as to feed me? Feed me? Feeeeed meeeee? Feed. Me. Feed? Me? Meeee…..foooood….” All the while head-butting me in the boob. Every. single. morning – boob head-butts from the Khat. It’s okay, Splinter gets a good ball-shot in on Mr. T at least once a day.
  4. Now Khat’s fed, and content. And I drift off to the sound of Splinter in the other room, whining “You’re awake. I know you are. I can hear you moving around in there. You’ve let me out once. Let me out again. I’ll be good, I swear. I just want to run. Run run run run run around. Please? I have to bark and run and go mental all up in this house. Did you just roll over? Are you getting up? Please get up. Let me back out. Let’s play all day forever!”
  5. Now my alarm’s going off. Snooze.
  6. Now my alarm’s going off again. Fine….unplug my phone, plug Mr. T’s in (we’re down to one charger, since he left his (which was actually my old one that I gave him after he lost his first one that I no longer needed because I dropped my phone, cracking the screen, and had to get a new phone that came with a new charger which is now the only one we have because he left my-old-one-now-his-currently-missing) charger at his Unkie Ickie’s house when he house-sat there a couple MONTHS ago). I stay in bed a minute, checking FB. My laziness earns me a few more boob head-butts from Khat, who has now forgotten she was ever fed and would like some food, please.
  7. I finally get up, let Splinter out again. He’s all “I know you would come back, I just knew it! Life is So. Great. now that you’re awake and we can play all day forever!” So I shoo him outside so I can shower.
  8. Get out of the shower, let Splinter back in. Exert the small amount of control I have over the psycho by having him Sit! … Stay! while I scoop food. Stand back to watch him salivate – this is the only time he’s ever still, other than sleeping – for a minute or so, then let him eat while I get dressed.
  9. Nudge Mr. T to let him know I’m leaving. I usually get a grunt and a kiss out of it…then I escape leave the house. Anything that Splinter does from this point on is no longer my concern – Mr. T’s in charge now. My guess is he gets smashed balls while Splinter tries to burrow under the covers with him.

This morning I made Mr. T do all of it, because I’m evil. I got to hear his mumbled curses toward our babies instead of uttering my own. It made me smile… So, no – we won’t be getting any more pets for awhile. If ever. And we definitely won’t be having any kids any time soon. We can’t cope with things we can lock in crates and leave for hours at a time. I can’t imagine we would do well with a screaming baby.


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